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Running head: TECHNIQUES OF SM THAT ARE HELPFUL IN GAINING
ABSTRACT This study utilizes a qualitative design to discover what if any techniques in SM sexual play are helpful to survivors of child sexual abuse. Seven women and one man from across the country were interviewed in-person or through e-mail regarding their thoughts and feelings about SM play’s helpfulness in overcoming problems with sexual intimacy. Their experiences were not differentiated by age, sex, or region of the country in which they reside. The data analysis followed the "constant comparative" approach of Grounded Theory (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). The findings reveal many techniques that were helpful for the respondents in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy. These include playing with control/power, communication, trust, a sense of safety, mutual respect, an emotional bond/intimacy, and being able to get in touch with one’s body. Respondents also gained self-esteem, self-respect, and knowledge of one’s self all of which are vital to achieving comfort with sexual intimacy. It was found that SM play provides a structure within which the participants could experiment with sexual activities and emotional intimacy within specific boundaries which they were party to setting. In this way they felt they were able to overcome certain inhibitions that evolved from their experience of sexual abuse achieving emotional and sexual communication which they had not previously been able to attain. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
I would like to express my appreciation and gratitude to those whose support during this research project was invaluable. Sylvia Sussman, Ph.D., my dissertation chairperson, gently and knowledgeably guided me through this challenging, yet rewarding experience of writing a dissertation. She consistently provided in-depth, insightful and constructive feedback. This was done at a rate of speed that amazed me. Jeff LeRoux, Ph.D., one of my committee members, provided much needed moral support and humor along with his knowledge and expertise. John Elia, Ph.D., my other committee member, supported me with knowledge and through feedback on the topic. The eight respondents willingly and openly shared their experiences with me. Their candor helped to shed light on a topic that has had little attention from researchers. It was a wonderful experience to correspond and meet with each individual. They were warm and generous and I feel very fortunate to have had the opportunity to meet them. I would like to thank my family and my friends for their much-needed support and caring during these past months. I would not have accomplished this without them.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
ABSTRACT 2
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT 3
I. INTRODUCTION 8 Statement of the Problem and Background 8 The Research Question 19 Significance of the Study 21 II. REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE 23 History 24 SM Play 30 Theories 30 Research 38 Outsiders Descriptions/Observations 47 Personal Perspectives 52 Healing Sexual Problems of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 56
III. METHODS AND PROCEDURES 69 Research Design 69 Participants and Sampling Procedures 70 The Nature of the Participants 70 Sampling 71 Recruitment of Participants 71 Data Collection 73 Interview Procedure 75 Topics of the Interview Guide 76 Analysis 79 Procedure for Data Analysis 82 Validity and Reliability 83 Limitations 84 IV. RESULTS 86 Background 90 Earliest Inclinations to SM Play 91 Personal Characteristics 94 Challenges 98 Experience of Abuse 104 Therapy Experiences 106 Therapy 107 Therapists 110 SM Play 112 Rarely Used Technique of SM Play 113 Negative Aspects of SM Play 115 Positive Aspects of SM Play 121 How SM Play Helped with Problems Stemming from
Playing with Control/Power 135 Communication and SM Play 140 Trust and SM Play 144 A Sense of Safety 148 Mutual Respect in SM Play 148 Emotional Bound/Intimacy 154 Getting in Touch with One’s Body 160 View of SM Play 164 Reactions to the Interview Experience 168 V. DISCUSSION AND IMPLICATIONS OF THE FINDINGS 170 The Study Question 170 Becoming Involved 173 A Safety Net: The Social Structure 174 Dangers 176 Gains 177 Discussion of Findings in Relation to the Literature 178 Limitations of the Study 183 Implications for the Study of SM Play 185 Implications for Therapeutic Interventions for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse 186 Suggestions for Further Research 188 VI. REFERENCES 191 VII. APPENDICIES Appendix A 197 Appendix B 198 Appendix C 203 Appendix D 204 Appendix E 208 Appendix F 213
Techniques Of SM That Are Helpful In Gaining Comfort With Sexual Intimacy For Survivors Of Child Sexual Abuse Who Practice SM Play.
CHAPTER I: INTRODUCTION
This study explores the potential therapeutic effect of sadomasochistic play (SM play) for survivors of child sexual abuse who also practice SM play. This qualitative study uses a phenomenological approach.
Statement of the Problem and Background
During a training session in 1996 for the San Francisco Sex Information hotline, I had the opportunity to listen to a panel discussing sadomasochistic play (SM play; also referred to as SM, S/M, S&M, sadomasochism, or sadism & masochism by authors and respondents throughout this paper). Both members of the panel were survivors of child sexual abuse. Their frank discussion caused me to start thinking about how some techniques of SM play might be helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy for survivors of child sexual abuse, who practice SM play. The current research project intends to lay the groundwork needed to understand this phenomenon. SM is an abbreviation for sadomasochism, which is a consensual sexual act involving the dynamics of control, role-play, and power differentials, and for some it can also include bondage and/or pain (see Appendix F for a complete glossary of SM play related terms from Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns: The romance and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism, 1995). Child sexual abuse will be defined as any kind of exploitive sexual contact with a child (under 18 years of age) by an adult (relative or stranger) or older child (relative or stranger), which serves to control and dominate the child (Maltz, 1991, Courtois, 1988, 1993). Sexual intimacy will be defined as sexual intercourse and/or sexual touching of one’s partner’s body, cuddling, hugging, and speaking tenderly to one’s partner (Maltz, 1991). In researching this phenomenon, I communicated with Peggy Kleinplatz, Ph.D., a Canadian clinical psychologist, who has clients who use SM play to help them work through their sexual problems caused by child sexual abuse. She has found that SM play is helpful to these clients. According to Kleinplatz, there is no research on this phenomenon. Neither did Dr. Charles Moser, who has researched SM play (1987/1995) and is well known for his knowledge about SM play, know of any studies on this phenomenon (personal communication). Staci Haines, who has written on this subject (1999) told me of a book currently in progress. I have contacted Bree Coven, the author, and I am awaiting a response. Though there is a negative valance associated with SM play, this can be put down to a great deal of misunderstanding and lack of knowledge. The small body of descriptive research (Haines, 1999; Brame, Brame, & Jacobs, 1993; Scott, 1980/1998) suggests the emphasis put on control of sexual interaction, communication, respect, and trust may actually have a helpful, even therapeutic impact on its practitioners, particularly with those who have been sexually abused as children. In the historical literature on SM play, amidst the negative associations, particularly the emphasis on sadomasochistic play as a perversion (Krafft-Ebing, 1886 and Freud, 1938) there are some observers who perceived the possible positive aspects of it (Ellis, 1926; Gebhard 1969; Noyes, 1997; Thompson, 1994). SM play has been recognized as a socially generated life style and symbolic expression of social frustrations (Gebhard, 1969; Noyes, 1997). Noyes sees SM play as symbolic acts in the form of staged aggression, a kind of consensual play or acting, as distinguished from actual aggression in the form of violent, nonconsensual behavior. Thus he gives sociological and political analysis of the phenomenon of SM play as a compensation for social violence. Thompson’s (1994) discussion of the Spanner trial of 1991, which set a precedence for making acts of SM play illegal in England, emphasizing the consensual nature and pleasure goal of SM play. Thompson questions the knowledge sources of those theories (Krafft-Ebing, 1886; Bloch, 1933; and Freud, 1938) which have laid the foundation of our understanding of SM play, suggesting that Ellis’ (1926) view was more relevant to the reality as is Reik’s (1941). Ellis (1926) felt that sadomasochistic play was based on love and not cruelty. Reik (1941) suggested that masochists seek pleasure, not pain. Indeed Thompson reports that psychoanalysts such as Kernberg (1983) have questioned the possibility of drawing a boundary between "normal" and "pathological" forms of SM play behavior because of its commonality (Thompson reports his source as the Association for Psychoanalytic Medicine symposium, 1983). Because of the negative associations of SM play it has been difficult to find participants willing to admit their practices, let alone be studied. It turns out that most theories of SM play have been based on case studies of persons who sought out therapy, thus creating an association with pathology (Moser, 1996). A modern sociological approach (Weinberg, 1978) is to see sadomasochistic play as a subculture in which fantasy frames the organization of deliberately enacted scenes with specific roles identified. Viewed through this lens, and in light of social symbolic function, the suggestion that this role playing may be therapeutic to people who have been sexually abused as children, and who practice SM play, wherein having no control was of the essence, is not far fetched. Do survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play use role-play for this purpose? Further emphasizing the importance of looking at non-pathological functions of SM play, it has been found (Gosselin & Wilson, 1980) that self-defined SM play practitioners do not differ markedly from normal controls. Other researchers (Moser & Levitt, 1987 and Breslow, Evans, & Langley, 1985) have also found SM play practitioners to be non-pathological. There are some studies of the type and nature of SM play practices (Weinberg, 1994/1995; Kamel & Weinberg, 1995), these reveal the importance of control in SM play, as well as mutual concern among its practitioners. Kamel and Weinberg (1995) view SM play as a social interaction. Looking at it this way, they point out that it is important to learn about the techniques and attitudes associated with SM play. Weinberg (1994/1995) points out that to understand such social behavior, as SM play, one must ask the participants directly about their behavior. He writes: "Symbolic interactionist and phenomenological approaches tell us that if we wish to understand S&M motivations and behavior, we must look to the definitions provided by these people rather than attempt to impose our own preconceived notions upon this activity" (p.290). The above researchers point to the need for further research into the social qualities of SM play. The small amount of research focusing on this phenomenon has not yet looked at it in conjunction with child sexual abuse. This area is virtually ignored, except for the psychoanalysts who view it only as potential negative outcome for survivors of past child abuse (not necessarily sexual abuse). Casting a pathological light on SM play in general (Grossman, 1991). Thus, casting a pathological light on SM play in general. The literature on clinical work with survivors of child sexual abuse (Maltz, 1991; Courtois, 1988 & 1993) suggests techniques paralleling those described by observers and practitioners of SM play (Brame, Brame, & Jacobs, 1993;Scott, 1980, 1998; Miller & Devon, 1995). These techniques include, but are not limited to, communication, trust, control, and respect. The connection between these two phenomena has not been systematically examined. Do survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play utilize these techniques to gain comfort with sexual intimacy? The present research aims to provide information in an area that is currently devoid of any scientific studies. In doing so it will pull together two phenomena, SM play and clinical work with child sexual abuse survivors (focusing on those who practice SM play), which have commonalities not yet explored. This information could be useful for clinicians who work with survivors of child sexual abuse who also practice SM play. It could help them be more accepting of their clients’ sexual preference. It may also provide therapists with a better and more useful therapeutic frame while working with sexual abuse survivors. There are a limited number of contemporary scientific studies done on SM play (these will be fully discussed in the literature review, Chapter II). Much of the available information is in the form of theories. With a broader perspective on what we might learn from SM play, Weinberg and Kamel (1995) suggest examining, among other aspects of social interaction, how secrecy in respect to SM play may pertain to society at large, especially in other social groups. SM play may involve extreme examples of qualities we could find in the larger society. Thus they suggest it could be a way to study relationships and social meanings that exist in the larger society: "Looking at S&M scenes may, for example, give us some insight into how fantasies are produced and shared, the nature of the relationship between fantasy and sexuality, and the connection between play and sexual behavior" (1995, p.22). They also suggested that studying SM play would add to our knowledge of the functioning of small groups, since most SM play is performed in groups of two or three. Practitioners of SM play may comprise a larger segment of society than we are aware. This is another reason Weinberg & Kamel (1995) have given for studying this phenomenon. Historically, SM play has been sparsely studied. Initially it was theorized by psychoanalysts (Krafft-Ebing, 1886 and Freud, 1938) to be a perversion. This is still the popular belief among psychoanalysts (Blos, Jr., 1990; Grossman, 1991; Lawner, 1979; Naylor, 1986; Kernberg, 1989; and Rothstein, 1989). It wasn’t until a sociological perspective (Weinberg, 1978/1995, 1994/1995; Gebhard, 1969/1995) was applied to the study of SM play that it was no longer viewed as a perversion, but rather as a social interaction. Current psychological research and observation (Moser & Levitt, 1987/1995 and Breslow, Evans, & Langley, 1985/1995; Williams, Weinberg, and Moser, 1984/1996, 1999; Brame, Brame, & Jacobs, 1993; Scott, 1980, 1997, 1998) have focused on the specific aspects of SM play, and its practitioners. Today SM play is most widely written about from the perspective of those involved in the SM community. The SM community is comprised of those who practice SM play, some of which may be members of an SM informational organization such as the Society of Janus. The dynamics of SM play is written about by many authors today including: P. Miller & M. Devon (1995), C. Moser (1996/1999), G. Scott (1980, 1997/1998), T. Weinberg (1995), B. Thompson (1994), and P. Califia (1979) to name just a few. They describe what SM play is today in their myriad writings. The most important component of SM play is the creed that everyone must follow, which is that the play must be SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL (see glossary, Appendix F) meaning:
Miller and Devon are practicing members of the SM community who are co-authors of a book about the dynamics of SM play called Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The romance and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism. Some of the major elements common to most forms of SM play are the scene, trust, communication, limits, safe words, power and control, contracts, and agreements. The scene is the performing of an erotic SM play activity; this usually involves some form of fantasy and role-play. The term "scene" is also used to describe the larger SM community. Trust is one of the most important facets of any relationship. This is even truer in SM play, in which the scene may involve physical pain or bondage (tying up your partner). Communication is vital in SM play because of the potential danger and because the masochist (submissive) needs to be able to discuss clearly his or her needs and be able to inform the sadist (dominant) if the activity is too much and if he or she wants to stop. Limits are connected with communication; they are discussed before a scene starts. The submissive tells the dominant what he or she absolutely does not want to do or have done to them, in this way they are "in control." The dominant also has limits that they need to share with the submissive. "Safewords" are used as a safety net, if the scene or an aspect of SM play is no longer enjoyable, or even too painful (physically or psychologically) then the submissive says the agreed upon safeword and all activity is immediately stopped, or slowed down, or modified. Power is the element that is played with in a scene; the submissive relinquishes power to the dominant. However, the submissive has the control in that he or she can stop the scene at any time by using the safeword. They also have the power and control in that they willingly let the dominant be in control, the dominant would not have the power if it were not given to them. In the community the question is often asked, who is really in control, the dominant or the submissive? Contracts and agreements are the outcome of discussion about the scene. Every foreseeable detail is discussed in advance including what will happen, how, where, when and especially likes and dislikes and limits. When all of the details are discussed and agreed upon then a contract/agreement is created either on paper or more informally in spoken words. Could some of these aspects of SM play be helpful to survivors of child sexual abuse, who also practice SM play, to become comfortable with sexual intimacy? Sexuality educator Staci Haines (1999) devotes one chapter in, The Survivors Guide to Sex: How to have an empowered sex life after child sexual abuse to this subject:
It is proposed that SM play can be a way for practitioners to reenact past child sexual abuse in a controlled environment and thus finally to have control in a similar situation. Do they reenact past abuse in this way and for this purpose? Haines states:
She goes on to say:
Haines discusses some intriguing ideas. Her work suggests the importance of studying SM play’s potential to help survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. This is an area that is underdeveloped in current and past research.
The Research Question
The literature has shown a lack of information about the effect of techniques of SM play on survivors of child sexual abuse. This study addresses the question: What, if any, techniques of SM play have been helpful to survivors of child sexual abuse (in the SM community) in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy? This study is phenomenological in that it focuses on narrated subjective experience. Data will be collected through open-ended interviews with practitioners of SM play who are survivors of child sexual abuse. These interviews will be used to discover themes and patterns in the data. A qualitative method, following the Grounded Theory approach (Strauss & Corbin, 1998), will be used to achieve this goal. This study will not attempt to test any existing theory, because currently there are no theories on this topic in the literature. The respondents will be self-described practitioners of SM play who are also self-described survivors of child sexual abuse. SM play will be defined, for the purpose of this study, as a consensual sexual act involving at least two people which includes, but is not limited to, aspects of power play (control), role-playing, participating in a "scene," negotiation, communication, trust and respect. SM play is a consensual sexual act involving the dynamics of control, role-play, and power differentials, and for some it can also include bondage and/or pain. These definitions refer directly to the situation of SM play in relation to the self-defined SM community, and do not refer to "sadism" or "masochism" as defined by the DSM IV which refers to and attempts to define individual character traits which are perceived as pathological. A sadist, then in the context of this study, is someone who enjoys giving sexual partners pain and/or binding them in bondage, which gives the partner pleasure. This partner is a masochist, or one who derives pleasure from pain and /or bondage in a sexual context. Thus "sadism" is the enjoyment giving of pain and/or placing someone in bondage to produce pleasure in SM play and "masochism" is the enjoyment of receiving pain and/or being placed in bondage in SM play. This play takes place in the context of role-play, where the participants each act out a role such as master and servant. Child sexual abuse will be defined, for the purpose of this study, as any kind of exploitive sexual contact with a child (under 18 years of age) by an adult (relative or stranger) or older child (relative or stranger), which serves to control and dominate the child. This act does not involve consent because children are not able to give consent due to their age and dependence upon adults. This definition is based on information in Maltz (1991) and Courtois (1988, 1993). Sexual intimacy will be defined, for the purpose of this study, as sexual intercourse and/or sexual touching of one’s partner’s body, cuddling, hugging, and speaking tenderly to one’s partner (Maltz, 1991). This intimacy has the ability to create physical and psychological closeness with one’s partner. If a survivor of child sexual abuse is uncomfortable with sexual intimacy, it may cause them to be unable to attain that closeness.
Significance of the Study
Child sexual abuse continues and will continue to affect many children. There are different theories about which therapeutic modalities are beneficial for survivors of child sexual abuse. There are many books written for survivors to help themselves work through the problems that stem from the past abuse. This vast literature does not include, with the exception of Haines (1999), any information on techniques of SM play that may be helpful to survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. This information could help survivors of child sexual abuse in the SM community and possibly even those who are not practitioners of SM play. It is hoped that if SM play has a role in helping those who use it, then this research could open the door for therapists to be more accepting and supportive of their clients who use SM play to become more comfortable with sexual intimacy of any kind. The findings of this research could give therapists another option in helping their clients who are survivors of child sexual abuse find ways to become more comfortable with sexual intimacy. An in depth analysis of the phenomenon will show what may occur in a population of people in the same circumstances, and this helps our understanding of the general population of survivors of sexual trauma, of all forms. Some of the techniques may also be helpful for survivors of all forms of sexual trauma. This research could propel those interested in studying SM play to further research this area. A survey could explore how many people in the SM community are survivors of child sexual abuse and compare that to the population in general. If it is a high percentage compared to the general population, then research could focus on why that is. This research project could be the starting point to understanding an under-explored area.
CHAPTER II: REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE
SM play has not been written about extensively. There are a growing number of non-fiction books and studies on this topic; however, the information they provide is limited. They focus predominately on what SM play is, what is involved in SM play, and to a lesser degree the attributes of those who practice SM play and why they practice it. These works cover the basic what, how, who and why of SM play. For the purposes of this study, these readings provided a basis of knowledge about the dynamics of SM play throughout history and up to the present. This is important and valuable information; however, what is lacking is information about the effect of SM play techniques in helping or harming survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. Though there are clinicians who are interested in this topic, a review of the literature produced one book and no formal research. Because of this limitation, the literature review will focus on two separate areas: SM play and the healing of sexual problems caused by child sexual abuse, the emphasis being on SM play and its potential for functioning as a healing technique for survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. This review will begin with a brief history of the theories and research concerning SM play. Then, SM play will be subdivided into: theories, research, outsiders descriptions/observations, and personal perspectives; the next topic area will be healing sexual problems of adult survivors of child sexual abuse, followed by techniques of SM play and their relevance to sexual issues of survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play.
History
Throughout history, SM play, as an erotic, consensual and recreational behavior, has been viewed in different ways, depending on the time and the ideology (of the observer). To understand fully what the term SM play means today, it is important to review its history. The best way to do this is to look at the history of references to it in chronological order. The following summary will help to establish the nature of the present research concern. According to Moser (1996) "SM behaviors are seen throughout history, dating back at least to ancient Egypt and the Hindu culture in India…"(p.34). There is evidence of the masochistic side of SM play in the 1500s, in Europe, of its spreading during the 1600s, and being widespread by the 1700s, (Roy Baumeister in Noyes, 1997). Noyes (1997) quotes Gerd Falk and Thomas S. Weinberg (1983):
SM play is not new, but serious research on this topic only began in the 1800s. In 1886 the psychoanalyst Richard von Krafft-Ebing published Psychopathia Sexualis: A Medico-Forensic Study, in which he discussed sadism and masochism in terms of control, dominance and submission. Krafft-Ebing was the first to use the terms "sadism" and "masochism" in a consistent scientific way (Weinberg & Kamel, 1995). He derived the term "sadism" from Donatien-Alphonse-Francois de Sade, more commonly known as the Marquis de Sade, born in 1740. The term "masochism" was derived by Krafft-Ebing from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, born in 1836. These names were chosen because of themes in their novels. De Sade’s novels (Justine and Juliette, for example) extolled the profitability of vice and the lack of rewards for virtue (Allegier & Allegier, 1991). In Justine, or Good Conduct Well Chastised, de Sade wrote about two sisters, Justine and Juliette. Justine was virtuous and Juliette was the opposite. Justine suffers through many terrible situations and Juliette does not, de Sade was representing his theme of un-rewarded virtue and profitable vice with this novel (de Sade, 1791/1965). Sacher-Masoch wrote about erotic pain, humiliation and submission in novels such as his most well known, Venus in Furs (Weinberg & Kamel, 1995). This novel is about a man, Severin, who is in love with the goddess Venus to such an extent that he cannot love a real life woman. He then meets Wanda, who looks very similar to Venus, and falls in love with her. She tells him that she cannot love him forever, it is not in her nature and he decides that he would be her slave so that he could be with her forever. In telling her this he also shares with her his desire to have her whip him (von Sacher-Masoch, 1870/1989). There is some controversy about Krafft-Ebing’s choice of labels for these terms (Moser & Madeson, 1996). Krafft-Ebing, in Psychopathia Sexualis (1886, 1965), defined sadism as follows:
His definition of masochism in Psychopathia Sexualis (1886, 1965) is:
Psychoanalysts, such as Krafft-Ebing and Freud, saw sadism and masochism as social aberrations. Freud considered them to be the most significant of all perversions. This view might stem from clinical work, as their observations were made of people who were unhappy or troubled with their sadistic and masochistic desires. Krafft-Ebing and Freud were the two most famous and outspoken authorities on sadism and masochism in their day. Because of this, other psychoanalysts such as, Naylor (1986), Grossman (1991), Blos, Jr. (1990), Lawner (1979), Kernberg (1989), and Rothstein (1989), have followed in their footsteps and, to this day, consider sadism and masochism in much the same terms. They were not viewed as acts done in love. Sadism was seen as a cruelty. Sadism was thought, by Freud and Krafft-Ebing, to be an aberration stemming from the normal drive in men to dominate. This drive became out of control in men who practiced sadism. Masochism was difficult for them to understand, because they felt that there are no masochistic tendencies in ‘normal’ men. Freud felt that masochism was possibly only explained by the thought that it was merely a ‘transformation from sadism’ (Freud, 1938/1995, p.34). Freud diverted from Krafft-Ebing in thinking that sadism and masochism were two forms of the same thing, rather than separate entities. This seems to hold true today according to practitioners of sadomasochistic play. Who at times will switch roles between being the sadist and being the masochist, though usually preferring one role over the other. In 1895, psychologist Albert von Schrenk-Notzing had already coined the term "algolagnia" to refer to the phenomenon which Freud later, in 1938, termed "sadomasochism" thus putting the two terms (sadism and masochism) together for the first time (Moser & Madeson, 1996). "Algolagnia" was used initially by psychoanalysis; "active algolagnia" was the term for sadism and "passive algolagnia" was the term for masochism. Anthropologist, Iwan Bloch (1933/1994), in Anthropological Studies in the Strange Sexual Practices of All Races in All Ages, defined "algolagnia" differently as ‘painful lasciviousness.’ According to Thompson (1994), Bloch disagreed with the psychoanalytic theories of sadomasochistic play. He thought that the true sadomasochist sought out pleasure, not pain. Bloch also discovered, for the first time, that people who are masochists outnumber those who are sadists. Thompson (1994) further states that due to similarities in their theories, Bloch’s studies are closely linked in some of the literature to Havelock Ellis. Havelock Ellis, was the next key person to study sadomasochistic play. In Studies in the Psychology of Sex (1942/1995), he agreed with Freud that sadism and masochism were complimentary emotional states. Ellis was the first psychoanalyst to understand that the pain in SM play was born out of love, not cruelty. He was also the first to realize that "true sadists," those who practice SM play, limit their pain giving only to sexual situations. Thus contradicting the psychoanalytic theory that SM play is a part of a person’s personality, an inherent love of inflicting cruelty on others. According to Ellis, SM play is limited, in mentally healthy individuals, to a pursuit of pleasure in pain by sexual partners during sexual encounters. One of Ellis’ most important contributions was to omit the word "perversion" when writing about SM play. In many arenas SM play is still seen as a sexual perversion, due to Krafft-Ebing’s theories developed over a century ago. In fact, SM play was not even considered a ‘perversion’ until Krafft-Ebing wrote about it. Psychoanalysis has not changed its perspective of SM play since Krafft-Ebing’s time. Psychoanalysts today, such as Blos (1991), are still calling it a perversion. In 1969, anthropologist Paul Gebhard published an article on fetishism and SM play. This contribution was important for being the first time SM play was seen as a social/cultural phenomenon. Gebhard wrote about it, not from the point of view of individuals, but as an activity that involves at the minimum two people. He took into account a cultural context to explain how SM play came to be in certain parts of the world, but not in others. "It may be that a society must be extremely complex and heavily reliant upon symbolism before the inescapable repressions and frustrations of life in such a society can be expressed symbolically in sadomasochism" (1995, p.45). SM Play
Theories
Richard von Krafft-Ebing (1886) initiated the approach to viewing this sexual preference as a perversion. He felt that sadism could be traced to normal teasing interactions between men and women, where in women acted coy and shy and men acted aggressive, especially during the first few months of marriage, "Sadism is thus nothing else than an excessive and monstrous pathological intensification of phenomena – possible, too, in normal conditions in rudimental forms – which accompany the psychical sexual life, particularly in males" (1995, p.28). "Distorted dispositions" were blamed for sadist desires (1995, p.26), "Sadism must, therefore, like Masochism and the antipathic sexual instinct, be counted among the primitive anomalies of the sexual life. It is a disturbance (a deviation) in the evolution of psychosexual process sprouting form the soil of psychical degeneration" (1995, p.26). Krafft-Ebing viewed sadism as a cruel act inflicted on another and producing lust in the perpetrator. His version of sadism is what we now associate with vicious sexual crimes, not the consensual form of SM play that this paper is concerned with. The association of lust and cruelty was at the heart of Krafft-Ebing’s understanding of sadism. His shortcoming was not to look more closely for forms of sadism and masochism that were not harmful to one or both participants, such as the possibility of consensual sadism and masochism. Only the opposite ends of the spectrum were studied. He was aware of minor SM play activities, such as love bites and scratches done in passion which are not even considered as SM play by those who do them. At the other end of the spectrum are the violent behaviors of sexual predators not involving consent on the victims’ part. Masochism was also viewed in a negative light by Krafft-Ebing. He had difficulty trying to understand why men would have masochistic desires, feeling that sadism followed naturally from men’s "natural aggressive tendencies," but that men shouldn’t, or don’t have "natural passive tendencies." Because of this confounding variable he decided that masochism was associated with psychological impotence, as the following quote illustrates:
These statements show how perplexed Krafft-Ebing was about masochism. He states that it is a perversion that makes men psychologically or physically impotent, but yet occurs in people who have no sexual dysfunction or abnormal sexual interests. He then states that all sexual perversions are alike, and caused by heredity, a statement he supplied no proof to support. Krafft-Ebing was too ready to call something that he did not understand a perversion, without taking the time to research the phenomenon. Most unfortunate is that Krafft-Ebing’s work is still viewed as a correct assessment of sadism and masochism today, especially by psychoanalysts. Freud, like Krafft-Ebing, was influenced by Victorian social mores regarding sex, which no doubt shaped his theories. Freud (1938) stated: "sadism would then correspond to an aggressive component of the sexual instinct which has become independent and exaggerated and has been brought to the foreground by displacement" (1995, p.33). Of masochism he states:
Though Freud considered sadism and masochism to be perversions, some of his ideas and findings were actually closer to what we now understand about SM play.
In the psychoanalytic area theories about SM play have not changed much from Freud’s time. Today we know that people prefer one, sadism or masochism, over the other, but they will switch roles in certain cases, and are called "switches." Often people start out as masochists and eventually become sadists as they become more experienced (Miller & Devon, 1995). Havelock Ellis (1926/1995) in discussing SM play is an exception as a psychoanalyst; viewing SM play differently from those before and after him, introducing the notion that mutual identification and shared pleasure were important aspects of this phenomenon rather than the desire to inflict or receive pain:
Ellis goes on to say: "it is scarcely correct to use the word ‘cruelty’ in connection with the phenomena we have been considering" (1995, p.39). He was the first to realize that SM play was something done between consenting people. It involved pain, not cruelty. The pleasure in the pain was the driving force. States of sexual arousal cause pain thresholds to be raised, which is crucial to the creation of pleasure out of pain. Gebhard’s (1969/1995) theory was based on his training as an anthropologist. He saw SM play as socially created and symbolic:
He goes on to include this into his theory of why SM play is only found in developed societies:
Also emphasizing the social sources and symbolic nature of SM play is a theory of masochism put forth by scholar John Noyes (1997). He asserts that masochism came about in the nineteenth century because of the obsession with control that characterized that era. He saw masochism as a ‘continuation of social violence’ (p.14) which may in-part act to defuse violence:
He was aware that the violence in masochism is understood to be play only, not real. Noyes’ view on masochism adds an interesting perspective, both sociological and political. He asserted that masochism was created in reaction to being in a society that was over controlled by the authorities (political and religious) of the nineteenth century and subjected to violence. In asserting that it is a compensation for social violence, he adds a new dimension to the study of SM play. Bill Thompson (1994), a criminologist, discusses SM play in summarizing the 1990 and 1991 Spanner trial. This was the trial of fifteen men in England arrested for being a ‘perverted sex-ring’ and charged with assault and found guilty. These men were practicing consensual sadomasochistic acts. Thompson stresses that consensual SM play is not done to cause harm or injury to anyone involved, rather "such acts are experienced mentally and physically as a form of pleasurable arousal-enhancement" (p.4). This case, and the failed appeal two years later, set a precedence that made any act of SM play illegal in England. Thompson goes on to describe SM play and discuss Krafft-Ebing, whose theory he disagreed with, in part, because it was based on the assumption that sadomasochist activity was a perversion and "a Victorian stereotype about male and female sexual responses" (p.20). He also discusses Ellis’ theory, which he felt was closer to what we consider SM play to be today. Iwan Bloch was discussed because "without him, most popular accounts and explanations of Edwardian sexuality … would not exist, because Bloch endeavored to include everything he could cram under the label algolagnia…" (p.35). Thompson felt that Freud’s comments on sadism and masochism were based on "his own preoccupations rather that anything said by his clients on the couch or by an SM devotee" (p.41). He points out that Theodore Reik (1941), suggested that masochists were seeking pleasure, not pain as originally asserted by past theorists. Thompson (1994) states that contemporary theorists of the 1950s and 1960s were focusing on the pre-Oedipal and Oedipal stage of development as a cause of SM play. In the 1970s the "demonic mother, whereby sadists suffer first from a pre-Oedipal fear of merging and fusing with their mothers and then form their subsequent guilt" (p.51) was added to this focus. In 1983, the Association for Psychoanalytic Medicine had a symposium "on the nature and cure for masochist and narcissistic characters" (Thompson, 1994, p.52). They were unable to agree on what they were talking about, according to Thompson. He describes Otto Kernberg, present at this symposium, as "simply bemused by it all: as masochistic behavior was fairly common, it was impossible to draw a clear boundary between ‘normal’ and pathological forms, let alone distinguish between the developmental features" (p.53). Thompson goes on to say: "The American Psychoanalytic Association Journal’s special issue on SM play which followed the symposium could not offer a solution either. There are now so many papers, discussions, theories and propositions that it would take years to follow them all through" (p.53). Thompson then discusses the sociological perspective, highlighted by Paul Gebhard’s (1969/1995) theory of SM play, discussed earlier.
Research
According to Moser (1996, 1999):
Moser goes on to highlight a further problem with research into SM play:
These factors have made finding research studies on SM play difficult, consequently, the paucity of material to be reviewed here. No studies were found exploring an association between SM play and survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. Thomas S. Weinberg (1978/1995) studied SM play from a sociological point of view using frame analysis, which views "human interaction as being bounded or ‘framed’ by social definitions that give the behavior a specific contextual meaning" (1995, p.115). In the case of SM play, Weinberg saw it as a subculture; therefore the behaviors involved with SM play are viewed in a subcultural context. Social organization is needed for people to participate in SM play. Weinberg’s other finding was that the social organization of SM play is ‘framed’ in terms of fantasy. The scenes are created by the participants and viewed by them as purely make-believe. He noted that this is shown by the roles available to the participants, their relations to each other, the kinds of scenes they participate in, and the ‘argot’ of the group. This study is valuable because it examined SM play from a different perspective. In doing so, it lead the way for other studies of people who participate in SM play activities. "To understand ‘what is going on’ within an S&M episode, one must know something about the culture of the group and how it defines and categorizes people and behavior" (1995, p.134) Gosselin and Wilson (1980/1994), tested Freud’s theories about fetishism and SM play by comparing them with data they collected from an SM play correspondence club and by interviewing several women, some of whom advertised in SM play contact magazines. Their sample consisted of 133 males and 25 dominant women. They were given the Eysenck Personality Questionnaire and the Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire and they supplied background data. The SM play group did not differ from a control group of "normal people," except for one category: fantasy and reality satisfaction. The other categories were: upbringing (the SM play group had a marginally stricter upbringing), rate of weekly orgasm, self-related libido (masturbation), and partner satisfaction. The control group had a slightly lower rating in this latter category; it also had a higher percentage of steady partners than the SM play group. The SM fantasies recorded were extremely varied, the most common being exposure and risk fantasies, the least common being pain fantasies. The fantasies were not different from those of ‘normal’ people; this finding went against Freud’s theories that sadism and masochism were perversions, uncommon to normal people. The SM play group was found to be more exploratory, to have a greater tendency to practice mate-swapping, more promiscuous, have more sex with strangers, and a higher rate of using objects for sexual stimulation. They also, however, had a high amount of fantasies involving ‘normal’ intimacy, such as kissing. In looking at orientation, Gosselin and Wilson found that the SM play respondents were predominantly masochistic, by a margin of three to one. There was no difference found in fantasy themes for the sadists and the masochists, or in their libido and sexual satisfaction. Thompson (1994), reviewing this research, stated that:
This study was valuable because it showed that the theories and beliefs of SM play as a perversion were not based on solid information. This study found those who practice SM play to be mentally healthy, normal individuals, who are happy with their sexual preferences and lifestyle. This study, in part, lays the groundwork for my study. I want to go beyond showing that it is not a perversion, to exploring how it may be helpful to those who practice it. Breslow, Evans, and Langley (1985/1995) studied women in the sadomasochistic community. Before their study there was some uncertainty as to whether women were largely involved in the SM community and what they did if they were. Prostitutes were the only women commonly known to practice SM play activities. The questions asked of the women were similar to those in Moser and Levitt’s 1987 study, where the data on the women in the sample was not reported due to the small sample size. They found that there are non-prostitute women in the SM community. There are fewer women than men in the community, but the men and women were similar in many regards, including level of education, divorce rate, openness about sexual interest, how they find partners, level of self-esteem regarding their involvement in SM play, and level of interest in a large number of sexual acts. These results show that women are involved in the SM community, this is important to the present study because child sexual abuse is perpetrated on females and males. Incest is perpetrated on females more often than males (Courtois, 1988). For this reason it is important to be able to interview women who practice SM play. Moser and Levitt (1987/1995) studied SM play practitioners using an exploratory-descriptive method. They gave 178 men and 47 women a questionnaire designed for the study. They asked about sexual orientation, most of the respondents were heterosexual. On the dominance-submission continuum there was little difference in the amount of respondents who responded as either dominant or submissive, 44.2% of the respondents scored in the switchable (interested in both dominant and submissive roles) realm of the continuum. The average age for the first SM play experience was found to be 23, and the average age for "coming out" was 26. This meant that the first SM play experience preceded the actual association with an SM play identity. Next they tried to operationalize a definition of SM play by giving the respondents a list of SM play activities and having them note which they have tried, and which they have both tried and enjoyed. The activities were broken down into three categories: specific SM play behaviors, SM play role-playing behaviors, and sexual behaviors not specifically SM play. The responses were varied; there was no one activity that they all enjoyed. It was found that most of the respondents found SM play satisfying. Over all it was found:
This study is relevant to my study because it gives a good indication of who practices SM play. This is important knowledge. To study a phenomenon one must understand those who participate in it. In his study of the sociological and social psychological aspects of SM play, Weinberg (1994/1995) set out to define sadomasochism by asking participants in sadomasochistic play what it is and means. He followed the ideas from his 1978 study, including frame analysis. Weinberg looked at pain, dominance and submission, limits, fantasy, control, and identity. The critical features of SM play, according to Weinberg are: "It is erotic, consensual, and recreational. It is heavily dependent upon fantasy and the illusion of control, and it requires collaboration and mutual definitions in order to be satisfying to the participants" (1995, p.300). This research has added to the scant knowledge of what SM play is, by looking at it from the perspective of those who participate in it. Kamel and Weinberg (1995) looked at diversity in SM play by interviewing five people, two of whom are partners and were interviewed together. One was a woman and the other four were men. They found that SM play is a social interaction; the associated techniques and attitudes are learned. It was found that new comers were taught, and at times introduced to SM play, by those who had experience in SM play. If an SM play scene is going to be successful, all of the participants must be involved in creating it. If there is dissatisfaction in the scene or the relationship, the dissatisfied partner will end the relationship. Because of this there must always be consent and agreement about the scene before it starts. They also found that an SM play relationship is very ‘dynamic’ because of the constant "feedback of ‘energy’ between master and slave" (p.90). The final, and most pertinent, finding is that mutual love and affection are extremely important in an SM play relationship. This finding is important to the current study because love and affection, important for all relationships, are especially so for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Does this mutual love and affection help survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play to gain comfort with sexual intimacy? Weinberg & Magill (1995) studied SM play themes in mainstream culture. This study is relevant in that it shows how SM play themes are becoming popularized in society today. The meanings behind the symbols are usually unknown to the people wearing the clothes or watching the movie or looking at the art exhibit. The presence of these themes in popular culture may allay the shock of suggesting that techniques of SM play could be therapeutic for survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play.
Outsiders Descriptions/Observations
This section contains an overview of work published by observers of the SM community who interviewed participants or attended SM meetings and talked to participants. The information in these books is descriptive. These descriptions lay out a form of role playing in which acts have meaning beyond the immediate situation and are highly controlled. Different Loving, by Brame, Brame, and Jacobs (1993), discusses SM play in terms of the different techniques involved. It briefly covers previous theories about SM play, and discusses specific aspects of this play beginning with a discussion of the details of SM play. The credo of SM play is: safe, sane and consensual. Power is seen to be a key component in SM play, where submissives abdicate their power to the dominant by choice, and the dominant takes the power that is given to them in this exchange. The argot of the SM community is described, "Head trips" are:
"Role-playing" is described as "a mutually agreed upon psychodrama in which the partners assume temporary fantasy roles that express a power dynamic" (p.106). "Age-play" uses the fantasy of being a different age, usually a child, the dominant becoming the adult. "Depersonalization" is another aspect of SM play by:
"Lifestyle D&S", refers to those who keep up their dominant and submissive roles in all aspects of their lives, except for work and other inappropriate contexts. It also refers to those who choose to only practice SM play sex. "Corporal punishment" is physical pain, which gives pleasure. "Bondage" is being bound and possibly gagged, and could also involve being blindfolded and even wearing earplugs. The goal is to achieve a sense of helplessness, which is felt as a freedom to the one who is bound. The purpose is to intensify the pleasure for the participant. "Spanking" is "a form of corporal punishment in which blows are inflicted – almost exclusively – on the buttocks" (p.233). "Whipping" uses many instruments and various degrees of pain. There is a buildup to prepare the person for more intense whipping. "Intense stimulation," includes: hot wax, hot ash, clothespins, clips, and clamps, genital torture, fisting (putting a fist in an orifice), play piercing (a temporary piercing), and electricity. "Gender play" in SM isn’t the same as transgenderism or transvestitism; it is only an aspect of the scene that adds to the fantasy, an element, not practiced outside of a scene and not done while alone. "Erotic combat" is "the drama of championship played out in blunt physical terms" and "gender heroics - as epitomized by erotic female combat – challenge stereotypes of femininity and masculinity" (p.461). The most common expression of gender heroics and erotic combat is wrestling. Gini Graham Scott discusses SM play in her book Erotic Power (1980, revised 1998), which focuses on female dominance and male submission. In preparing the book, she interviewed SM play participants, went to seminars held by groups such as the Society of Janus, and observed interaction at SM clubs. From this she found that "…they [SM play participants] claim that it [SM play] satisfies certain fundamental psychological needs, which may include the experience of power and control for the woman and the experience of giving up power and release for the man" (p.3). In order for the SM play scene to be pleasurable the participants must communicate well, this builds trust. Common to all SM play relationships is trust, closeness, and intimacy. Scott comments on limits, power, and control:
A submissive enjoys pain because it becomes pleasure. When there is no trust an SM play scene cannot work, because the pain or the fantasy could become terror. "Safewords" are used in scenes by the submissive if they want to end the scene. Thus, though the scene may cause the submissive to say ‘stop’ when they don’t really want the dominant to stop, by having access to "safewords" miscommunication is avoided. The scene itself is a "kind of ritual, consisting of rules, techniques, and imagery, and is much like a play in which the submissive is the actor and the dominant the director" (p.174). In the scene the participants "do not engage in bondage, whipping, and other activities for the sake of the action alone. Rather they invest these actions with symbolic meaning and view them as methods for expressing and experiencing power" (p.185). The scene takes place in an atmosphere of safety, consensus, and responsibility, the dominant has to be aware of how the submissive is doing at all times. Scott observes that participants in SM play understand the difference between fantasy and reality. In reality they have a strict code of behavior involving safety, consensuality, and respect for limits. The SM community is a "warm, close, and supportive one, and its members avoid truly dangerous or harmful activities" (p.289). Those who practice SM play are " in higher than average educational, occupational, and income brackets, and tend to be less religious than average Americans" (p.290). According to Scott these characteristics may be contributing to SM plays growing acceptability. Could this acceptability help those survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play to feel more comfortable in sharing their interest in this sexual activity with their therapist? Is the aspect of women having power and control in SM play beneficial for survivors of child sexual abuse, who practice SM play? Does it assist in controlling the amount of sexual contact they are comfortable with? If the survivor chooses the submissive role they are still in control, because they can stop the interaction at any time. Is the scene, as discussed above, beneficial for survivors of child sexual abuse, who practice SM play, as a way to know what to expect while being sexually intimate with someone? Do they use it as a forum to recreate an abuse scenario with a different ending? Are the respect and the supportive environment involved in an SM play relationship beneficial for a survivor of child sexual abuse, who practices SM play, for gaining comfort with sexually intimate situations? Personal Perspectives
The personal perspectives reviewed here are of those practicing SM play activities. These works are important to review because, as was suggested in some of the above literature, the only way to understand this phenomenon fully is to have it explained by someone who is involved in it. The following writings entail one book and one excerpt from a collection edited by Thomas S. Weinberg (1995). Philip Miller and Molly Devon, authors of Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The romance and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism (1995), are partners who practice SM play. The book discusses the dynamics of SM play, most of which were described above, and to a certain extent how to start participating in SM play. For the present purpose, only the relevant topics will be discussed. A scene is an interaction between individuals who perform SM play. It does not necessarily include sexual intercourse; in that case the players "focus on catharsis or the sheer intensity, drama, fear, even transcendence as what they want from their scenes" (p.8). They describe scenes as follows:
When partners do a scene together for the first time, they do not have as much trust built up, so the negotiation of what will occur during the scene is especially important. If the scene goes well then the level of trust rises. The next time, if there is a next time, they do a scene together the submissive will allow a little more latitude. "As the partners learn to trust each other, the submissive may begin to give control over her emotional self as well" (p.5). This element of trust is important in all relationships. Survivors of child sexual abuse need to be able to trust their partners if they are going to feel comfortable and safe with them, especially concerning sexual matters. When two people first perform a scene together, the power play is at its lowest level, and the submissive allows the dominant only a certain amount of control over her physical self. The submissive has not empowered the dominant as much as she might if they had performed more scenes together. The key issue in power play is that the dominant doesn’t take power from the submissive; rather the submissive willingly gives power to the dominant, thus empowering the dominant. "The submissive obeys only because she chooses to. There is nothing compelling her obedience except her resolve" (p.4). The component of power as a dynamic force in SM play brings out an aspect of its possible therapeutic value for survivors of child sexual abuse (who practice SM play) whose power was taken from them during the abuse. Do practitioners of SM play who are survivors of child sexual abuse use power in this way, to regain power lost as a child? In practicing SM play both participants have control and power over themselves, only as much power and control as they are comfortable with is relinquished. The submissive sets the limits and the dominant is bound by respect to follow them. As the relationship grows and the dominant begins to understand and know the submissive, the limits are sometimes pushed, but never so far as to make the submissive truly uncomfortable. Communication within a sexual context is another important element of SM play, which is relevant for the survivor of child sexual abuse. As have others, Miller and Devon stress: "Making SM work is dependent upon developing honest, sincere communication and profound trust" (p.24). Communicating also involves respect, without which it will be pointless. People who are working on being comfortable with sexual relationships need to start with respect and communication. If there is no mutual respect and willingness to communicate they find it difficult to be sexually comfortable. Do survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play use this communication and trust to gain comfort with sexual intimacy? SM play teaches its participants the dynamics of communication, trust, control/power play, and respect. These are important things to learn, especially for those practitioners who are survivors of child sexual abuse. Do they use these dynamics to help them gain comfort with sexual intimacy? Pat Califia, one of the Bay Area’s most outspoken and highly published practitioners of SM play, in A Secret Side of Lesbian Sexuality (1979/1995) describes SM play as "sex that tests physical limits within a context of polarized roles" (1995, p.140). Of sadomasochists she said: "We select the most frightening, disgusting, or unacceptable activities and transmute them into pleasure" (1995, p.140). She points out that the "basic dynamic of S&M is the power dichotomy, not the pain" (1995, p.146). The dominants all strive to be competent, if they are not, then no one will be a submissive for them. The dominants reputation is crucial, if they are incompetent they will not be able to find partners because word of mouth travels fast in a close knit community. Califia discusses a typical SM play encounter and the difficulties of being a lesbian and a sadist. She also discusses the politics of society, men usually being the ones in positions of authority, and how in SM play that is not necessarily the case. She feels that is one of the reasons that many members of society, especially those with authority, dislike SM play. Califia describes SM play as an entirely consensual activity, unlike the popular notion that it is a violent act perpetrated on an unwilling victim. Those in the SM community must act in a respectful and trustworthy manner during all SM play activities or the SM community will reject them. In this way the SM community can keep the criminal sadist (those only wanting to harm others for personal satisfaction, not for the pleasure of the other) out of the SM community. This suggests that the SM community could be a safe place for a survivor of child sexual abuse to start to become comfortable with sexual intimacy.
Healing Sexual Problems of Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
This section includes information from two important authors in the area of healing for survivors of child sexual abuse. It discusses techniques for survivors to become comfortable with sexual intimacy. Parallels with SM play will be drawn. Wendy Maltz (The Sexual Healing Journey: A guide for survivors of sexual abuse, 1991), a psychotherapist who specializes in sexual healing, discusses the sexual symptoms associated with sexual abuse. One being difficulty in establishing or maintaining intimate relationships. According to Maltz, research estimates indicate that one in three women and one in four to seven men were sexually abused as children. She defines child sexual abuse as:
She goes on to define subcategories of child sexual abuse as: "Incest: the most common form of child sexual abuse. Sexual abuse of children by other family members, including mother or father, step-parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents" and "Molestation: sexual abuse involving sexual stimulation to body and genital areas, including penetration. It can happen at any age, by a perpetrator of any age" (p.32). Maltz points out that some survivors use abusive fantasies to feel in control of sex. Such fantasy serves to give them a way to script and change imagined sexual scenes. This is a way for them to compensate for their lack of control during the abuse. They use their fantasies to regain control in their minds. This parallels what occurs in an SM play scene, an abusive memory may be recreated and the ending rescripted in a safe environment where the person is in control. Do survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play utilize a scene in this way? If so, is it beneficial for them? Some basic elements of SM play, communication (especially in the negotiation of the scene), trust and respect, could fit Maltz’ description of a technique for changing unhealthy sexual behavior to: "Establish healthy ground rules for sexual encounters to improve self-caring and intimacy in sex" (p.185). Do survivors of child sexual abuse, who practice SM play, use these elements for this outcome? According to Maltz, it is important to evaluate what sexual behavior(s) the survivor wants to change and why. To change these behaviors the survivor must relearn and redefine habits and attitudes. She describes how to start healing:
This again is very similar to SM play. She goes on to say that it is important to establish new ground rules for sexual encounters. The skills that a survivor learns during healing, according to Maltz are: "empathy, honesty, trust, and communication" (p.211). These skills are the also involved and learned in SM play. Of communication, Maltz states: "Communication is the key to healing together. … Communication neutralizes the effects of sexual abuse. It runs counter to the dynamics that existed in sexual abuse, such as silence, secrecy, shame, and victimization" (p.237). Communication serves to develop trust and understanding. "Survivors can help by telling partners specifically what they do and don’t want them to do’ (p.240). This is similar to the negotiation that takes place before a scene in SM play. Does this negotiation help a survivor who practices SM play communicate with his or her partner? If so, does this communication develop trust and understanding? As a way of developing new sexual attitudes, Maltz suggests: "A couple may want to share materials – poems, stories, or articles – that present a healthy model for sex, in which sex is based on consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety" (p.244). These are also key elements in SM play, which might be used for therapeutic value by survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. Do these elements of SM play help them to gain comfort with sexual intimacy? If so, do they use them for that purpose? Survivors of child sexual abuse need to relearn the meaning of touch. It has been something that they had no choice about. They need to learn ways to make touch a source of "comfort, caring, and pleasure" (p.250). The process of relearning touch takes several steps and skills such as: "relaxation and rest, active awareness, and creative problem solving" (p.252). It is a gradual process. SM play is also a gradual learning process, involving comfort with certain forms of touch. Does this learning process in SM play help survivors of child sexual abuse to become comfortable with sexual intimacy? One of the exercises Maltz gives for relearning touch involves saying red light or green light. The survivor’s partner starts by touching the survivor’s arm and gradually touches other parts of her body. As the partner touches each new part the survivor says ‘green light’ if they are feeling alright and comfortable or ‘red light’ if the touch is too much for them. This is similar to the safe word in SM play. The safe word is used by the submissive if the scene is too much for them and they want to stop. Another technique similar to the communication that takes place before a scene starts in SM play, involves the partner telling the survivor specific instructions as to how and where they would like to be touched. This is meant to promote communication and have the survivor focus on the sensation of touch without worrying about if their partner is enjoying it, because the partner is telling them what they enjoy. When working on becoming comfortable with sexual intimacy: "Survivors need to modify the techniques [listed in the book] to respect their needs to go slowly, feel in control of what’s happening, handle automatic reactions, and deal with feelings that might surface that are related to the abuse" (p.291). "Practicing new ways of taking care of themselves during sex, such as asserting feelings and needs, setting limits, directing touch, and stopping sexual activity when necessary, can help survivors affirm their sensuality rather than deny it" (p.297). Sex must be an activity that the survivor feels in control during and in charge of. Honest communication, respect, and emotional intimacy are the key elements to becoming comfortable with sexual intimacy. These are also key elements in SM play. Do survivors of child sexual abuse (who practice SM play) use these elements in SM play to gain comfort with sexual intimacy? Christine Courtois, a counseling psychologist, has written several books on therapy for incest survivors. In Healing the Incest Wound: Adult survivors in therapy (1988), she initially discusses the dynamics and characteristics of incest. Children who are victims of incest become hypervigilant. She lists several findings of the research into characteristics of child sexual abuse: as high as 20% of the female population has experienced incest abuse at some time (12% before 14 years of age, 16% before 18), up to 5% of all women were abused by their fathers, boys are also abused within the family but in a smaller percentage compared to women, females make up the majority of victims and males the majority of the perpetrators. Females are more likely to be abused within the family and males outside of the family. Most abuse is perpetrated by a family member or someone the child knows. The pattern of abuse is repetitive and progressive forms of sexual contact; it usually begins when the girl is prepubescent (age 4-12), but can occur at a younger age, it usually lasts on average four years. Outside abuse lasts for a shorter period and doesn’t have the progression or entrapment because the perpetrator has less access to the child. Coercion and misrepresentation of the relationship and activity are used more often than violence. Approximately, forty percent of the victims of child sexual abuse require therapy in adulthood. Most cases of child abuse inside the family are not reported. Intervention is very complicated, especially in incest cases. Although efforts at intervention are improving, they still are not very accessible to children or ineffective and in some cases retraumatize the child. In defining incest, Courtois states:
She also quotes a definition Benward and Densen-Gerber (1975) used in their research:
Incest is commonly perpetrated by more than one relative, either within one generation or across generations, such as a grandfather and a father abusing the same child. It is not uncommon for both parents to also have been abused as children. Because incest occurs over a long period of time and the child has no escape, the child feels powerless and trapped. In adulthood 20% of survivors have a serious psychopathology (Courtois, 1988). "The most common of these include chronic and atypical depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, dissociative disorders, somatization disorders, and explosive disorders" (p.90) Some survivors develop personality disorders such as hysteric, borderline, narcissistic, avoidant, or dependent personalities, according to Courtois. All survivors show some sort of impairment when compared to non-victims, according to Courtois. They also suffer more sexual problems as a result of the past abuse. The most common sexual problems are: "(1) desire disorders; (2) arousal disorders; (3) orgasmic disorders; (4) coital pain [possibly caused by injury from the abuse]; (5) frequency and satisfaction difficulties; and (6) qualifying information" (p.109). Some survivors can only achieve orgasm through masturbation because "Masturbation is ‘safe’ because it does not involve trusting another person or relinquishing control" (p.110). Courtois discusses a form of therapy, wilderness therapy that involves being physically challenged, such as Outward Bound.
For those who are attracted to it, SM play could be serving that same purpose. Do survivors use SM play scenes to re-experience emotions stemming from the abuse and master them? Courtois (1988) states that: According to the available research evidence, concerns about sexuality, as well as problems with sexual functioning and developing satisfying sexual relationships, are very likely in a clinical population of incest survivors" (p.315). Because of this, it is important to continue finding ways for survivors of child sexual abuse to work through these issues. Do some of the techniques of SM play supply alternative ways for survivors, who practice SM play, to work through the sexual problems caused by the past sexual abuse? In Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Courtois (1993), outlines the problems that child victims and adult survivors suffer; two most relevant to this study are: difficulty trusting others and difficulty with intimate relationships (p.9). Adult survivors of child sexual abuse have difficulty trusting others and a great need to be in control. Trust and control are two essential elements of SM play. Do survivors of child sexual abuse, who participate in SM play, benefit in those two areas? The adult survivor may be sexually abstinent or overly sexually active, they may only experience problems when they are in a committed relationship: "Commitment and attachment may trigger feelings of entrapment and heighten anxiety, which in turn interferes with sexual functioning" (p.76). Feeling helpless, out of control and powerless is common. To the contrary, they may feel powerful in the sense that they feel they had "influence over abusive and/or powerless adults" (p.97). One way to overcome the effects of child sexual abuse, according to Courtois, is to set limits and establish boundaries. In SM play, limits are agreed upon before the scene starts. Learning how to set limits will help in learning how to establishing boundaries. Do survivors of child abuse who engage in sadomasochistic play learn how to set limits in that context? Do such limits reinforce the survivors ability to set limits in other aspects of their lives?
Sexuality educator, Staci Haines (1999), discusses SM play role-playing and fantasy and its possible positive and potential negative aspects for child sexual abuse survivors practicing SM play. She suggests that SM play can be a powerful way for survivors, who practice SM play, to heal by creating a safe environment which promotes self-empowerment, its basic ground rule of consent being something survivors couldn’t utilize as children. SM play helps practitioners explore their limits, which can help create an empowered sex life. Sometimes they use role-play in the form of age-play, which means that the dominant is an adult and the submissive is a child ( i.e., teacher/student). "These roles provide a context to play with the dynamics of nurturing, mentoring, control, and dependence" (p.192). Haines goes on to warn:
Haines points out that SM play can be used negatively to "check out" during sex, but so can "vanilla sex" (the term used for non-SM play sex). "You can try to complete an unfinished trauma by unconsciously replaying it over and over again, in S/M or any other kind of sex" (p.193). "Some survivors may feel that they are ‘acting out’ abuse, and others praise S/M for being an arena in which they can heal their abuse and fully claim their sexuality" (p.194). Haines describes positive aspects of SM play, which could help abuse survivors who practice SM play: "S/M makes these [power] dynamics overt and agreed upon instead of covert and nonconsensual" (p.194). This agreed upon exchange of power does not exist in non-SM play sex, where there is no contract which discusses all of the details before the sexual encounter takes place so the participants know exactly what to expect. It provides safety during a sexual encounter that may not exist for a survivor in other contexts. This ‘safety’ provides a safe place where the survivor, who practices SM play, can reenact the abuse, if they want to, and create new empowered endings. Do they use this ‘safety’ for this purpose? They may, knowing that they can use the safeword at any time to stop all activity, re-experience some of the positions they were abused in. Do they do this? By doing so, do they gain comfort with these positions, or are they re-traumatized by them? SM play isn’t for all survivors, but it may provide help for those desiring to use some of its techniques in order to become more comfortable with sexual intimacy. The goal of the present study is to discover how survivors of child sexual abuse, who practice SM play, experience those techniques and the techniques’ affect on gaining comfort with sexual relationships.
CHAPTER III: METHODS AND PROCEDURES
Research Design
The purpose of this research project was to discover what, if any, techniques in SM play are helpful to survivors of child sexual abuse who currently practice sadomasochistic play. Data was collected through semi-structured interviews with practitioners of SM play who are survivors of child sexual abuse. The goal of these interviews was to gain an understanding from the perspective of the participants of what these techniques are, how they are helpful, why they are helpful, and when they are helpful. The interview process was open to information about any negative effect of these techniques. For this purpose a qualitative method was appropriate as it allows the researcher to gain knowledge of an individual’s "feelings, thought processes, and emotions" (Strauss & Corbin, 1998, p.11). This procedure allowed the researcher to gain an understanding of a phenomenon that has not yet been greatly studied. The Grounded Theory method (Strauss & Corbin, 1967/1998) was used for data collection and analysis. This approach involved the "Constant Comparative" method of analysis. During these interviews respondents were asked to share their experiences in a free-narrative format. The qualitative method was selected because it allows each respondent to share his or her own unique experiences. These experiences did vary, but they also had commonalities. These common features as well as variations were the basis for understanding the phenomenon. The model created by this information was grounded in the data.
Participants and Sampling Procedures
The Nature of the Participants
The participants in this case were self-described practitioners of SM play who were also self-described survivors of child sexual abuse. A sample of eight participants led to a saturation of categories (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). Respondents were interviewed until there was redundancy in the patterns which emerged. They were participants of the SM community comprised primarily of those who are members of The Society of Janus, an SM play informational and social organization as well as people who visited various web-site postings which contained the recruitment notice. They were all self-described survivors of child sexual abuse. For the purpose of this study, child sexual abuse was defined as inappropriate sexual touch of a child by an adult or older child. The nature of the research question left the respondent selection open to both men and women, over the age of 18.
Sampling
The sampling method could not be random, an exemplar sample focused on participants who, through their experiences, were the best informants of the phenomenon under study. The findings were not generalized to the general population, as quantitative research aims to do. Rather, they were used to discover the differences and similarities in each unique experience of the phenomenon. The nature of this research and sampling method allowed for information to be gathered from individual cases in order to illuminate the research question. Patterns, or common themes, found among the participants added to our understanding of the phenomenon.
Recruitment of Participants
In deciding how to find willing respondents, the researcher discussed this issue with colleagues, friends, and authorities in the field of study. It was suggested that the researcher contact The Society of Janus, an information and social group for participants in SM play. They were contacted through e-mail by the researcher and they replied that they would be willing to help by advertising in their monthly newsletter, Growing Pains, and on their website. The sample came from across the United States. Most responded and communicated through e-mail because of the distance factor. The advertisement (see Appendix A) contained a brief statement introducing the researcher, information on contacting the researcher, and information about the purpose and nature of the research. This was posted on The Society of Janus’ website and listed in their monthly newsletter. It was also posted on various SM play web-sites, at Good Vibrations, and sent to SM play-friendly therapists in the San Francisco Bay Area. The researcher was contacted through e-mail and by the telephone, during the screen of respondents and while setting up interviews. Respondents were briefed on the purpose of the study and the length of the interview, before the screening process. During the screening process (see Appendix B for sample of screening format), the researcher verified that the respondents meet the criteria of the study; that they are self-described practitioners of SM play and are self-described survivors of child sexual abuse. The criteria for child sexual abuse, was inappropriate sexual touch experienced as a child by an adult or older child. When they did not meet the criteria, they were thanked for their response. Those who meet the criteria were then asked if they would be willing to sign a consent form (see Appendix D), which was be read to them or, e-mailed to them in the case of contact through e-mail. When they agreed, an appointment was set up for an interview or they were told that the researcher will contact them to fit them into the interview schedule.
Data Collection
The data to be collected in this research project came from the unique experiences of those who practice SM play and are survivors of child sexual abuse. It was collected through semi-structured interviews and open-ended questions within those interviews (see Interview Guide, Appendix E). The goal was to gain understanding of the phenomenon by looking at it from the perspective of the respondent. The respondents in a sense taught the researcher. The approach to interviewing followed Mishler (1986) who describes a process in which the interview is a discourse rather than a question and answer set-up. Such a format allowed respondents to describe their unique experiences, which gave the researcher an opportunity to gain in-depth knowledge about their experience of the phenomenon. An interview guide was developed based on the literature and discussions with colleagues as well as SM play practitioners. As the interview process proceeded, the interview guide was adjusted in order to add new probe questions as information was gathered from the respondents (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). This allowed the research to broaden beyond the researcher’s initial ideas. It also permitted the respondents to help to define the key questions about this phenomenon according to their own unique experiences. Mishler (1986) in describing the research interview as discourse states:
Strauss and Corbin (1998) categorize questions into four areas: sensitizing questions "[t]hese tune the researcher into what the data might be indicating" (p.77). Theoretical questions, "[t]hese are questions that help the researcher to see process, variation, and the like and to make connections among concepts" (p.77). Practical and structural questions, "[t]hey are the questions that provide direction for sampling and that help with development of the structure of the evolving theory" (p.77). The last are guiding questions, "[t]hese are the questions that guide the interviews, observations, and analyses of these and other documents. These questions will change over time, are based on the evolving theory, and are specific to the particular research" (p.78). All of these types of questions were used while conducting interviews.
Interview Procedure
The in-person interviews lasted for one to one and one-half hours and were held at the respondents’ residences. The e-mail interviews were conducted through the internet, by sending the questions to the respondents through e-mail. The respondents sent their responses through e-mail as well. Each respondent was interviewed once. The respondents were given a description of the interview process. The researcher then asked the respondent to read and sign the informed consent form. The interview process commenced following this. The interviews began with the following overview of the purpose of the study:
Topics of the Interview Guide
The interview guide provided a framework for the interview process. This allowed for the flexibility to discover the varied aspects of the phenomenon while still having structure. This structure came from questions. The open-ended questions (Appendix E) aided in expanding the information learned from each respondent. The topics of theses questions were drawn from the literature and discussions with therapists working in the field. The interview guide was changed as new information was derived from each interview. This is consistent with the Grounded Theory approach, (Strauss & Corbin, 1998). As a result, one section, the SM section, was expanded upon early in the data collection process. In this section, the following probe questions were added: How have the following aspects/techniques been helpful or not helpful in achieving comfort with sexual intimacy and why: Communication, Trust, Control/Power Play, the scripted Scene (during a play session), Respect, and Limits?, they are in italic in Appendix B.
The Context
Discussing either SM play or experiences of child sexual abuse can be difficult. SM play was the topic that should have brought up the least amount of discomfort, so it was discussed first. This was also used as a vehicle to establish rapport. The questions in this area were general. Asking when they first discovered their interest in SM play helped to take them backward in time. It also helped them to start thinking about SM play in the context of their life experiences. Once this time frame was established, more detail about their experiences with SM play were explored by asking them what drew them to SM play and what their likes and dislikes of SM play were.
Therapy
This established if and when the respondent went to therapy and what affect this therapy had on them. This allowed the respondent to explore what if any affect therapy has had on their comfort with sexual intimacy. This information helped them to start thinking about what had been helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy.
SM Play
These questions helped to establish the details of what, if anything, about SM play was helpful to them in their work to regain comfort with sexual intimacy. It also explored any negative impact that SM play has had on their work with sexual intimacy. After the first interview, certain aspects of SM play were mentioned or eluded to which, based on information from readings (see Chapter II), the researcher felt needed more in-depth discussion. In cases where those aspects were not spontaneously brought up, those questions helped to explore the reasons for this. Those aspects are in italic in Appendix B.
Experience
This established their attitude and feelings about SM play. A person’s perception of a phenomenon could affect the outcome of the phenomenon. If they were ashamed of practicing SM play then it may not be helpful to them in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy.
The Interview/Ending the Process
It is vital to end the interview in a positive manner. Allowing the respondent to share their thoughts and feelings about the interview process and what may have emerged during it was a way to bring closure.
Analysis
The data was analyzed to learn each respondent’s unique perspective, on a common phenomenon. The protocols were compared to find common and variant themes. The data was then be used to illustrate and validate a conceptual model that was derived from the data analysis. The analysis began after the first interview thus enabling new information to further develop the interview guide. Analysis continued after each interview, and comparisons were made with all other interviews. This process allowed the researcher to constantly compare the data for common and unique aspects. Conceptual categories were developed from thematic material. This process followed Strauss and Corbin’s (1998) description of procedures for applying the Grounded Theory approach. During this process, the interviewer goes back and forth between interviewing and analyzing the data.
Strauss and Corbin (1998) go on to say: "Objectivity is necessary to arrive at an impartial and accurate interpretation of events. Sensitivity is required to perceive the subtle nuances and meanings in data and to recognize the connections between concepts" (p.42). Strauss and Corbin (1998, p.128) present a paradigm which is "a perspective taken toward data, another analytic stance that helps to systematically gather and order data in such a way that structure and process are integrated." They discuss why it is important to look at structure and process:
The elements of a paradigm, according to Strauss and Corbin, are: Casual condition(s), phenomenon, contextual condition(s) or context, intervening condition(s), strategic action(s)/interaction(s), and consequence(s). Strauss and Corbin define a phenomenon as:
"Conditions are sets of events or happenings that create the situations, issues, and problems pertaining to a phenomenon and, to a certain extent, explain why and how persons or groups respond in certain ways (p.130)." Strauss and Corbin go on to define each type of condition: "Causal conditions usually represent sets of events or happenings that influence phenomena…Intervening conditions are those that mitigate or otherwise alter the impact of causal conditions on phenomena (p.131)."
"Strategic actions/interactions are purposeful or deliberate acts that are taken to resolve a problem and in so doing shape the phenomenon in some way (p.133)." Strauss and Corbin define consequences:
Procedure for Data Analysis
The researcher used the initial interview guide (Appendix E) to begin collecting and analyzing the data. Each in-person interview was recorded and following the interview the recording was transcribed. Emerging concepts and categories were looked for in this data. The interview guide was updated as needed throughout the process. The coding process followed the Strauss and Corbin (1998) method. This coding process included open coding, axial coding, and selective coding. Open coding is: "The analytic process through which concepts are identified and their properties and dimensions are discovered in data" (p.101). Axial coding is: "The process of relating categories to their subcategories, termed ‘axial’ because coding occurs around the axis of a category, linking categories at the level of properties and dimensions" (p.123). Selective coding is: "The process of integrating and refining the theory" (p.143). During data collection, the concept of ‘range of variability’ was used. This means: "The degree to which a concept varies dimensionally along its properties, with variation being built into the theory by sampling for diversity and ranges of properties" (p.143). The data collection process (interviews) was conducted until theoretical saturation was reached. "Theoretical saturation is the point in category development at which no new properties, dimensions, or relationships emerge during analysis" (p.143).
Validity and Reliability
In discussing validity in qualitative research, Strauss and Corbin (1998) state:
Strauss and Corbin argue that the data is self-validating, the comparisons are the means of validation. They also state:
Mishler (1986) states: "the basic requirement for reliable and valid analysis and interpretation, depends on tape recordings and careful transcription of interviews" (p.138). This study focused on unique experiences, as told through taped or e-mail interviews. When the respondents were fully briefed about the purpose of the research and the strict confidentiality, they spontaneously told their stories and openly answered questions. This then made them reliable sources of information about this phenomenon.
The focus of this study was only on survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. Its findings cannot be generalized to all survivors of child sexual abuse. Only those survivors of child sexual abuse who are interested in SM play were interviewed. One of the goals of SM play is to intensify pleasure through pain. It would seem to some observers that the careful control and arrangements of power are used to aid in achieving this goal without real harm. Whereas, a survivor of child sexual abuse could possibly be helped by the controlled scenes aspect of this play; the notion of the association of pain with pleasure may neither appeal to nor be of comfort to a survivor of child sexual abuse who does not practice SM play. A qualitative approach, using in depth interviews, utilizes a limited number of respondents, thus generalizing the findings to a larger population is inherently limited.
This study looks at aspects and techniques of SM play that may be helpful in gaining comfort with sexually intimate relations for survivors of child sexual abuse who currently practice SM play. The qualitative nature of this research project allowed the respondents to openly share their stories. The research question, although somewhat focused, was general enough to allow for exploration of the phenomenon. The open-ended nature of the questions allowed the respondents to discuss the phenomenon from their own unique perspectives. The respondents openly shared their experiences thereby creating unique narratives that have been central to the organization of the data. The findings reveal many aspects and techniques of SM play that are helpful in gaining comfort with sexually intimate relations, as well as revealing characteristics of the respondents and their lives. These characteristics are important because they are among the many factors that led the respondents to SM play. The findings can be summarized as follows: Achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. The aspects and techniques of SM play can be divided into three areas: negative, positive, and specifically helpful in achieving comfort in sexual intimacy. The outcome is emotional intimacy, or at a minimum becoming more comfortable with emotional intimacy, as well as satisfaction with SM play. Though the eight cases will be presented as one unit, it is important to note that each case varied from every other case at all levels. These variations are, however, within normal limits. Normal limits, for the purpose of this study, consist of the range of the ability of the respondent to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations through the aspects and techniques of SM play. Within this range, each aspect and technique varied in its effect on each respondent. For example: Some were able to achieve complete emotional intimacy with their partner through SM play, while others were able to start to become comfortable with emotionally opening themselves up to another person. Some respondents found that the communication involved in SM play was extremely helpful, while others found that the bondage technique was most helpful. They each achieved some level of comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. They all discussed specific aspects and techniques which they found helpful in this regard. Data was collected through semi structured interviews with eight respondents residing throughout the United States. Each respondent was a practitioner of SM play and a survivor of child sexual abuse. The respondents were contacted through the Society of Janus’ web-site and newsletter, Growing Pains, through various web-postings, as well as through SM play-friendly therapists. Each respondent participated voluntarily and willingly shared their thoughts, feelings, insight, unique knowledge, and time. This study consisted of seven women and one man: two of whom were interviewed in their homes; the other six were interviewed via e-mail. Quotes from the e-mail interviews are presented exactly as the respondents typed them including wording enclosed in parentheses (); any insertions by the researcher are included within brackets []. The age range of the respondents was 25 to 54, the male respondent being the youngest. Two of the respondents are married, one of which was divorced and is now in an open marriage, two are divorced, one was divorced and is now separated, and three are single, two of which have significant partners. Education levels ranged from a GED to a masters degree, most having had at least some college education. Three of the respondents volunteered that they were message therapists. Six of seven respondents are members of an SM play club. Each respondent volunteered details of their past abuse, though that was not specifically asked about during the interview. The respondents all started as submissives, one is now a dominant and three are switches, meaning they will be either submissive or dominant depending on the situation, one of the switches is a professional dominant (pro-dom), and one respondent is a submissive in her personal life but a pro-dom. The status of the respondent, submissive, dominant or switch, did not differentiate their experience. This is possibly due to the their common experience of starting out as submissives. Marital status did not differentiate their experiences, however one of the respondents who was divorced and since remarried did say that SM play had been one of the problems in her previous marriage. After this marriage ended she found that there were others who were interested in SM play.
Another respondent stated that her interest in SM play was a small factor in her eventual divorce. "The divorce was not over the kink, although that was a part of it. Even without the entrance of BDSM [bondage/discipline/sadomasochism] into my life, my marriage was not going to make it another year." Of the remaining respondents who are divorced one said that she started her SM play involvement after her divorce. The other did not bring up her divorce at all. Each respondent had, in his or her own way worked through or was in the process of working through past abuse. However one is having great difficulty doing so. She said,
Though the SM play lifestyle is viewed as more than just sex by all of the respondents, this is the only one who viewed it as separate from sex. This respondent, though similar in most ways to the others, did have some slight variations. These variations will be used to draw out dimensional differences. The major themes to be described are organized within the following categories: "Background," "Experience of Abuse," "Therapy Experiences," "SM Play", "View of SM Play", and "Reactions to the Interview Experience."
Background
Though the focus of this study is to discover what, if any techniques of SM play are helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy, the respondents’ initial SM play inclinations help to create a context and a history. This section will also describe the respondents’ personal characteristics as well as challenges they have faced or are currently facing, within the following subcategories: "Earliest Inclination to SM Play," "Personal Characteristics," and "Challenges."
Earliest Inclinations to SM Play
The respondent’s earliest inclination to SM play varied from fantasies in childhood to being introduced to SM play as an adult, without having any memory of childhood fantasies. Each respondent spoke of his or her initial interest in SM play. Four of the eight respondents recalled having SM play related fantasies during childhood. The remaining four, having been introduced to SM play as adults, did not relate any childhood fantasies. One of the latter has great difficulty remembering much of her childhood, but makes associations from her childhood:
She goes on to say: " I could probably remember some events from freshman on, but really it’s very vague prior, you know, I really don’t remember childhood. And I don’t know childhood stuff at all." The three other respondents who discovered their interest in SM play as adults had varied experiences. One was introduced to SM play by a partner at a leather bar. Her initial reaction was fear:
Another respondent was introduced to SM play by her roommate. Before this she did not know very much about SM play:
She later attended a Society of Janus meeting at her roommate’s request. From that point on she learned more about it and eventually became interested in practicing it. Of the four respondents who had SM play related fantasies as children, three were pre-teens. One started having "intense BDSM fantasies" when she was 10, at this time she was also engaging in what she described as "self-bondage." Her active involvement with SM play began when she was a teenager:
One spoke of fantasies starting from around age five:
She became involved in actual aspects of SM play as a teenager:
Another respondent also discusses her childhood fantasies in a very positive way:
Personal Characteristics
Personal characteristics of the respondents seemed to affect his or her ability to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. They spoke of personal characteristics that seemed to enhance SM play’s ability to be helpful, as well as personal characteristics that seemed to be detrimental to their ability to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations. During the interviews the respondents described different aspects of themselves as they related to their involvement in SM play. These include characteristics that may have come from their past experience of abuse. These characteristics include: being adventurous, enjoyment of sensations, anger, problems of self-esteem and personal boundaries, having difficulty trusting others which leads to emotional intimacy problems, and problems with control and power. Some said that SM play helped them to challenge themselves in a positive way. One respondent spoke of being adventurous: "I was always a person to try new experiences and walked on the edge of a knife." She goes on to say that: "it was a challenge to my boring life at the time." Another respondent said: "…but as far as being open and being willing to try new things and exploring and…I’m always game." While discussing personal challenge one respondent stated: "It’s about learning to expand my own self. And I always can do a little bit more than I said I could do." The enjoyment of sensations was discussed by many of the respondents. "…[I] was caned and flogged, cloth pinned and I was high from it all…I liked it instantly…" "I think it kept me coming back cause every experience was a high and new…" Another respondent said: "And the sensation that would rush through my body are just incredible." Another simply stated: "I’m very sensation oriented…um, I’m very, very body oriented…" The personal characteristics of anger, poor self-esteem, poor personal boundaries, difficulty trusting others, leading to difficulty with emotional intimacy, and problems with control and power were experienced as having a potentially negative affect on the respondents’ ability to achieve comfort in sexually intimate relations. One respondent, who directly linked her anger to past abuse, said that she has a great deal of anger that she is still working on: "I have lots of anger still to deal with." Respondents saw poor self-esteem and poor personal boundaries as difficulties to be overcome. These personal characteristics can be linked to depression, which could make achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations more difficult. Difficulties in trusting people and with emotional intimacy seem to directly affect the respondents’ abilities to be comfortable in sexually intimate relations. Trust and emotional intimacy, important aspects of sexual relations within a mutually beneficial relationship are brought up as important in SM play. Power and control are two of the main aspects of SM play. Respondents felt that when driven by a need to control, or a need to be in power, they cannot allow themselves to fully relax and experience SM play. Playing with power, control and limits were described as helpful in overcoming the need to control and facilitating trust and intimacy. Achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations is seen as a positive affect of allowing oneself to fully and freely experience the situations set up by SM play. Many of the respondents discussed how SM play has helped them overcome difficult personal characteristics. Self-esteem was not explicitly mentioned by most of the respondents, however one did openly talk about it. In discussing her childhood sexual abuse she said: "Nor do I think my interest in SM is really related, though the self esteem issues that I have fought for most of my life probably are related to it." Another respondent alluded to self-esteem problems: "Well, as I said to my therapist, if I’m so smart how come I’m not my own best friend?" She goes on to say: "Why do I not take care of myself in a way that I should?" Still another stated: "…I’m insecure…" While discussing SM play, one respondent referred to personal boundaries: "Some people in SM will let their tops beat them and the bottom doesn’t have any self esteem or self boundaries…" Discussing negotiation prompted one respondent to say this about her personal boundaries: "I don’t have to worry that I am really bad at saying ‘no’ in sexual situations (which I feel is a DIRECT result of childhood sexual abuse), because the ‘no’s’ have been cleared up in advance." One respondent discussed what happened during a scene:
Many of the respondents discussed the problems they have trusting other people as well as problems being emotionally intimate with others. While discussing comfort with sexually intimate relations another respondent states: "I don’t get close to anyone…it took a long time for me to trust my Ma’am [her Master]…and I still have a few issues." One respondent stated: "I was able to realize that some of the issues I have about EMOTIONAL INTIMACY (trust) are the result of what happened to me as a child…" She goes on to say: "I have been comfortable with sexual intimacy THOUGH NOT EMOTIONAL INTIMACY…since I’ve been sexually active." Still another respondent said: "It’s very difficult to get close to someone enough to actually make a relationship work." Referring to past abuse another respondent states: "Because of things that happened to me earlier, I have a difficult time trusting people." Problems with control and power were discussed. One respondent stated: "The hard[er] I am beat the more I can let go." One respondent stated that she had a need to control: "…I like to control things." While discussing some positive aspects of SM play she went on to say: "Because it caused me to look at my issues in power and being fully in power."
Challenges
The respondents openly brought up other challenges they have faced or are currently facing. These other life challenges include, but are not limited to, substance abuse, depression, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, and rape in adulthood. It is impossible to know all of the life challenges of the respondents, therefore this study will not assume that the life challenges are limited to these six challenges. Of the eight respondents, six have experienced or are experiencing one or more of these challenges. Some of the challenges are directly linked to past abuse. One such example is the experience of flashbacks that the respondent does not associate with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD was discussed by another respondent who stated that she has been experiencing effects from it. Other challenges discussed include substance abuse, depression, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, and rapes in adulthood. Each of these challenges has an effect on a person’s ability to be comfortable with sexually intimate relations. One respondent saw substance abuse as quite prevalent in the SM community. Substance use/abuse seems be a way to escape unpleasant thoughts and feelings. They appear to have abused drugs and alcohol as a way to help themselves, a form of self-medication. One respondent said she used them so that she could not think. Substance abuse appears to be both a coping mechanism, as in the above case, as well as a sign that something is wrong in their life. Some respondents went to therapy initially for their substance addiction and were later able to use therapy to help with the past sexual abuse. The exception was one respondent who was traumatized by the therapy for the past abuse and blames the turn back to drugs on that experience. It seems that substance abuse has both a potential to be helpful and a potential to be detrimental for the respondents, in regard to their coping with the past sexual abuse. Substance abuse was brought up by four of the respondents, three of whom describe themselves as having struggled with drug abuse. One, who has never experienced substance abuse, personally, said this about it while describing her friends who practice SM play and are survivors of child sexual abuse:
While discussing her therapy experiences one respondent discussed her problems with drugs. "Um, why do I smoke too much pot? Why do I, or did I, snort too much cocaine?" She was clearly troubled by her use of drugs and went to therapy to understand why she was over-using them. Another respondent said that her therapy experience caused her to turn to drugs again:
She goes on to say: "the next time I attempted to go to therapy is when I was clean and sober 3 months…" The other respondent stated: "I first went to therapy when I was 26 but that was more due to substance addiction…" One of the respondents describes an on-going struggle with depression. At one point she was suicidal: "I was so distraught I tried to run my bike over a cliff in […] and ended up not, but in a meeting…" Another respondent, though she did not mention depression, she did comment on suicidal thoughts: "several times a good beating got me out of a sui[ci]dal mood." Bi-polar disorder was mentioned by two of the respondents, one in relation to taking medication for it. The other, who was not taking medication, spoke extensively about her struggle with it.
An eating disorder and problems with weight gain were brought up by two of the respondents. In one case it was mentioned very briefly: "its like my bulimia…" she was referring to the problems she has experienced with therapy. The other respondent discussed her problems with weight gain in association with her bi-polar disorder:
She goes on to discuss other things that cause her to gain weigh: "the weight started when […] left me…And I think a lot of that had to do with, uh, my self-esteem and all that’s gone way down since I haven’t been playing." PTSD and non-PTSD associated flashbacks were brought up by two of the respondents. One stated it in the context of discussing therapy for the issue of child sexual abuse and whether the therapy helped her to feel more comfortable in sexually intimate relations: "No, it’s like my bulimia, if I talk about it may bring it back or it may make me go into ptsd or depression." The other respondent had flashbacks, but did not mention PTSD by name. She related an experience, as an adult, when she had a flashback.
Two of the respondents are rape survivors. One said that it happened during a vanilla experience. While talking about her Master and limits she said:
The other respondent briefly brought up the subject while discussing therapy: "The second time was 3 years ago. Originally because of a rape…" Post-traumatic stress disorder and rape in adulthood seem to be the most directly linked with past abuse. Rape because as one respondent, while describing an abusive relationship she had been in as an adult, said: "I do think if you’ve been abused as a kid you tend to draw people like that into your life, your somewhat prey to them…" Post traumatic stress disorder because the flashbacks are about the past abuse. Substance abuse is an addictive behavior and is sometimes a sign that something is troubling a person, as is the case with the respondents who have struggled with it. In their cases it appears that abusing substances is related to the past abuse. Bi-polar disorder was associated with overeating and low self-esteem by one respondent.
Experience of Abuse
The respondents were not asked about their abuse experiences beyond asking them if they were survivors of child sexual abuse. They were given the researchers definition of child sexual abuse during the establishment of eligibility phase of the initial contact. Even though they were not asked about the details of their abuse experiences, many of the respondents volunteered this information. These details will not be discussed in this paper because of their sensitive nature and they are not germane to the subject of the research. This section will, however, include the respondents’ feelings about and perception of the abuse. Of the eight respondents, two felt that the abuse was not too bad. One of which had no memory of the abuse until she entered therapy for another problem. She said: "And in the therapy I started realizing that the one incident that happened when I was twelve was really not ok. And then I started remembering earlier things." She goes on to say: "The sexual abuse that happened to me was with my father and it was never violent or in, um, invasive….And he was gentle, and so to me it was a game, and it was affectionate." The other respondent has very few memories of her childhood: "I don’t remember much of my childhood, so that’s where we think there’s been some abuse there." The abuse that she does remember is not viewed in an entirely negative light:
The remaining six respondents perceived the abuse as a negative event in their lives. They felt that the abuse was wrong and inappropriate behavior by the abuser. One respondent talked about having great difficulty forgiving her abuser. Another has kept the abuse a secret from most people: "…none of my family and very very few of my friends know about the abuse in my past….My family is completely unaware, and will remain unaware." Anger about the abuse is a problem for one of the respondents. She is working on that and on her other feelings and perceptions about the abuse. When discussing therapy she said this about the problems stemming from the abuse: "[I] think I have it under control and boom it hits you in the face out of nowhere." Another respondent discussed problems with emotional intimacy caused by her past abuse:
Another respondent has difficulty with trust that he associates with past abuse. He discussed this in the context of his therapeutic experience:
Therapy Experiences
Therapy experiences were discussed because whether or not they have been in therapy and how successful the experience was or was not may affect their comfort with sexually intimate relations. It may also have an effect on how they view the past abuse and how they view SM play. Each respondent’s therapeutic experience was highly dependent on the therapist they went to. Not all of the respondents have been in therapy. Some are currently in therapy and some have been in therapy in the past. All respondents, with the exception of one, were or had been in therapy for past sexual abuse, which was described as helpful by four of the respondents who became able to understand the reasons behind some of their behavior and feelings. This knowledge helped them to attain more comfort in sexually intimate relations. The remaining respondents said that they did not benefit from therapy. They also either had not told their therapist of their involvement in SM play or had received a negative reaction upon telling. This would seem to adversely affect their ability to successfully achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. If they are unable to or uncomfortable with sharing this information, or if their therapist is unsupportive, stigma may become attached to SM play in their minds. The therapist’s support could alleviate stigma and thus enhance the respondents ability to use SM play. The therapy experiences could also have the effect of helping the respondent remember and work on problems stemming from the past abuse. Therapy experiences will be discussed under the headings: "Therapy" and "Therapists." Under the "Therapists" heading, whether or not they told their therapist of their involvement in SM play will also be discussed.
Therapy
Of the eight respondents only one has not been in therapy. She said: " I have never sought out therapy." "I have never had an enormous amount of difficulty dealing with my abuse." Three respondents had bad therapy experiences. These experiences varied from it not helping to it being harmful. In one respondent’s case it was extremely harmful:
She goes on to say:
She said that her therapy experiences have not helped her to feel more comfortable in sexually intimate relations. She feels that she has "no need for it now at 35." Another respondent who has had multiple therapy experiences said this when discussing how many times she has been in therapy for her past abuse: "[C]an’t count[,] too many times…I think I have it under control and boom it hits you in the face out of nowhere." She said that her therapy experiences have not helped her to gain comfort in sexually intimate relations. The third respondent has not found therapy to be harmful, but it has also not been very helpful:
She goes on to say, when asked how many times she was in therapy: "a lot, I couldn’t even begin to count. I couldn’t even begin to tell you how many different therapists I’ve seen." She also said that she didn’t think that any of the therapy has helped her. Four respondents had positive therapeutic experiences. One said that it helped her to feel more comfortable in sexually intimate relations: "Yes, at first just my telling my lover to touch me in a nonsexual way. Eventually I started desiring sex again." Another respondent said therapy helped her understand the reasons for her problems with emotional intimacy. It also helped her to see that she can make choices about the "emotional impact" of things. Therapy helped one respondent to understand her behavior:
Another respondent was in therapy twice as a child for problems stemming from the sexual abuse. In his current therapy experience he is starting to work on difficulty with getting close to someone.
Therapists
Some of the respondents had therapists that they considered to be very good and others had therapists that they considered to be bad. They each decided whether or not to tell their therapist of their involvement with SM play. Some therapists were supportive of this and others were not. All of these factors helped to shape the respondents’ therapeutic experience. One respondent chose not to tell her therapist about her involvement with SM play. The therapist that she saw did not, according to her, help her. In describing one session in which a girl reverted back to infancy she said: "…the therapist didn’t seem to know what to do about it, so she told us to all leave including the girl that was obviously in her infant stage of life." Another who has had multiple therapy experiences said that all of her therapists were told of her involvement in the SM community. She said this about their supportiveness: "They’re really not supportive, actually no, I haven’t really found anyone that’s really supportive of the SM community, unless they were necessarily in it." When one respondent told her therapist of her involvement with SM play she was told that her interest in SM play was a result of her past abuse. One respondent’s childhood experience with a therapist was not helpful for her: "The counselor did not believe I was a victim, she was more interested in her own theories of childhood psychology." As an adult she had a much more positive experience with a therapist. Her therapist was supportive of her involvement in SM play: "One of my therapists (a counselor and hypnotherapist) is not only supportive, but is an active member of the [city] BDSM scene." She goes on to say, however: "My psychiatrist (whom I see for meds relating to my bipolar disorder) is not supportive, but he admits to not really understanding what I do, and not really wanting to." The remaining respondents had, what they perceived as good therapists. They told their therapist of their involvement in the SM community and their therapist was supportive of this. One said: "I told my therapist, and I was surprised to find that she was supportive. She even gave advice on precautions to take, etc." Another respondent described her therapist: "And my therapist, I have to say really was great." She went on to say that her therapist was supportive of her involvement with SM play. The remaining respondent’s therapist was the person who referred him to the researcher. He is aware of the respondent’s involvement in the SM community and he is supportive of it.
SM Play
While speaking of SM play the respondents spoke of aspects that they found enjoyable. They also described aspects they felt were helpful in gaining comfort with sexually intimate relations and becoming emotionally intimate with their partners. For many, SM play has helped them to discover things about themselves. In some cases it has helped them to challenge themselves and grow as people. The respondents also discussed the potentially negative aspects of SM play. Most of the respondent had not personally experienced any of the negative aspects, but were aware of them. This awareness is, in a way, seen as positive. One respondent, while discussing the SM community’s awareness of potential abuses said: "Because at one point I don’t know if that would have been the case. Uh, say ten years ago maybe, everybody was like ‘SM, it’s wonderful’." These aspects of SM play will be grouped under the headings: "Rarely Used Techniques/Aspects of SM Play," "Negative Techniques/Aspects of SM Play," "Positive Techniques/Aspects of SM Play," and "Techniques of SM Play That Helped with Problems Stemming from Past Sexual Abuse."
Rarely Used Technique of SM Play
The respondents only discussed one technique of SM play that they did not often use, but did have an opinion on. Most of the respondents did not use this technique at all. The technique is the scripted scene, which could be used during an SM play session. One respondent, when asked about this technique said:
Another stated that she never uses a scene when she plays with her Master: "Again, for myself it’s different because I don’t know what [Master’s] ever gonna do to me." She goes on to say: "But, no I’ve never ever fantasized what [Master] was going to do to me, uh. The most I ever had to worry about was what he wanted me to wear (laughs)." One respondent saw the scene as a faulty replacement for communication: "Scripted scenes? Don’t usually use them…when I have it is to facilitate play with a new partner, and generally is sort of taking the place of actual communication. Not safe for me." Another when asked about the scene said: "Fantasy, certainly. I never had fantasies, I’m not a person who fantasizes when she masturbates or has intercourse." She goes on to say:
While discussing a scene in general, one respondent said: "I have to know what they want, what they want from me and out of the scene." None of the respondents seemed to use a scripted scene for any purpose, if it was used at all. The other techniques and aspects of SM play seemed to be much more important to them.
Negative Aspects of SM Play
The respondents felt certain aspects of SM play were negative. These include abuse disguised as humiliation/degradation play scenarios and mind games. They also spoke of the potential for SM play to be used as an excuse to perpetrate domestic violence. The presence of and potential for abuse in SM play can spoil a person’s experience with SM play. Most respondents were aware of the potential and actively took measures to avoid such situations. One respondent who described experiencing domestic violence in the name of SM play clearly understands the difference between play and abuse because of that experience. Abuses of SM play, for those with low self-esteem and weak boundaries, create a potentially harmful situation. The potential for being taken advantage of within the limits of SM play and distinguishing this possibility seems most important for survivors of sexual abuse. When they cannot differentiate between abuse and play, or are unable to enforce their own limits, or if they become as one respondent said, "magnets for abusers," then the abuse potential in SM play has a real possibility of decreasing rather than increasing their comfort with sexually intimate relations. The data shows awareness of this potential outcome is crucial for avoiding it. The one respondent who described being abused was not aware that it could happen, now that she knows about it, she said she is able to spot and avoid it. Awareness of the potential for abuse seems to have assisted the other respondents in avoiding it. The negative techniques or aspects of SM play that were discussed by the respondents had not been experienced by most, but this did not alter their awareness of them. One of the most common negative aspects of SM play that was discussed was the potential for abuse. The only respondent who actually experienced abuse while in the SM community said:
She goes on to say:
Another respondent, while discussing her Master said: "So he broke me of a lot of what I would consider bad social habits. Again, I had a good one [Master] (laughs). I can definitely see where that could definitely be abused." She goes on to discuss abuses she has witnessed: "And that’s another abuse I see a lot of, these masters will just, not even their slaves, and they will order them to do something." She goes on to say:
While discussing what she does not like about SM play, another respondent said: "What I dislike about it, and this has never happened to me, but I have heard about it is that there is a potential for being abused." She goes on to say while discussing techniques: "If I were treated disrespectfully or the play spilled out of the bedroom scene, I think that it would do more harm than good, but this is not the case." Another respondent said that she does not like "the egos that one has to deal with when you are [a] slave because some dominates admit they are just in [it] for having their love for abuse being called not abuse…" One respondent was very open about the abuse potential: "Um, I’ve seen what I would call uncaring SM, sloppy SM, uh I have seen acting out of abuse, acting out of the past. And so, I want to make it very clear that, uh, SM has its problems and can disguise abuse quite nicely." She goes on to say: "Well, I’m not crazy for the potential for abuse masquerading as a 24/7, master/slave, relationship. That, that’s disturbing." While discussing masters she said: ‘This whole thing about being a top can get really, really misused. I’ve seen a lot of power plays and a lot of people saying, ‘well I’m a top I can do whatever I want’." She goes on to say: "…but, I think there’s such an opportunity for abuse it scares me." She sums it up with: "there is potential for abuse" and gives an example: "and no it’s not ok to isolate your partner because she’s your submissive and tell her she can’t have her cat and she can’t talk to her best girlfriend, and you know. This is abuse…" Some respondents discussed, in regard to Masters, how control and not being focused could be abusive:
Another respondent learned about herself through aspects of SM play that she considers to not be helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy:
One respondent discusses the importance of having an experienced and caring Master:
Mind games and humiliation/degradation were also described as having the potential to be very negative. One person said that she prefers intense stimulation to dominance/submission because: "I don’t always like the mind games that go along with that." While discussing these aspects one respondent said: "Uh, I’m not crazy about what, what is called humiliation. The degradation of one partner by the other." She goes on to say:
One respondent had a traumatic experience involving abuse in the form of mind games:
This is an extreme example, and is not really in the realm of games, because it seemed to cause real devastation for her. She pointed out that was not even taken care of when the encounter was finished instead she was just left by herself. For her, this experience seemed to lack all of the positive aspects that SM play can entail. Positive Aspects of SM Play
Respondents identified and talked about various aspects of SM play that are pleasurable to them, however which are not necessarily viewed as helpful when it comes to gaining comfort with sexual intimacy, rather they are viewed as neutral in that regard. Although some of the examples cover other aspects of SM play, this section’s focus is what the respondents identified as positive features, but not necessarily as being helpful with problems stemming from child sexual abuse. The next section will focus on features of SM play that the respondents specifically felt were helpful for those problems. The positive aspects of SM play involved both techniques and feelings attained and are at times linked together in the respondents’ experiences. The positive aspects of SM play, though not specifically associated with helping them to overcome problems with sexual intimacy, did seem to affect this relationship. Involvement with SM play gave the respondents entrance into a community which gave them support, a sense of belonging and friendship all elements affecting their self-esteem, and in-turn their comfort with sexually intimate relations. As well as community, some respondents spoke of achieving a sense of spirituality which seemed to give them some calm and peace connected with the feeling that there is something bigger than themselves. This seems to elevate SM play, in their minds, to a coveted status. Being able to feel that way about SM play could counteract any negative stigma associated with it. Respondents also spoke of gaining self-esteem through being personally challenged to grow in their SM play involvement, which gave them a sense of pride in their accomplishments. Accomplishments described included pleasing their Master and pushing themselves to try new experiences. They felt this lead to becoming emotionally stronger, helping to reduce their difficulty with trust and emotional intimacy. Many respondents described the importance of the physical and/or emotional intensity of SM play. This intensity was described as enhancing personal characteristics, such as being sensation oriented and adventurous. One respondent also mentioned how the intensity of pain helped to dispel suicidal feelings; this suggests that the intensity may be helpful for feelings associated with depression and bi-polar disorder. Intensity also seemed to be a substitute for substance abuse which could be harmful, as they could be simply switching addictions. It could be helpful, on the other hand, as a substitute for substance abuse which is both bodily and emotionally harmful, whereas the intensity associated with SM play does not seem to be causing serious physical damage or emotional harm. Respondents referred to: feeling high, pain and fear, spirituality, community, pride/prestige, personal challenge, pleasing his or her Master, sub-space, and intensity when describing what was positive for them in SM play. While discussing feeling high, one respondent said:
She goes on to say: "I think it kept me coming back cause every experience was a high and new…" Another respondent, while discussing what she likes about SM play said: "Yet I also get the thrill, the high, that comes from total helplessness. Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac." One respondent described how the experience of pain gave her a "high": "I’ve always been an endorphin junkie. …. The mixture of pain with pleasure, and finding pleasure through intense stimulation (such as pain) is probably the most important part. Another respondent while discussing what first drew her to SM play said: "The taboo it not being considered normal and I have always enjoyed pain." She goes on to say what she likes about SM play: "The pain, I am addicted to it." Spirituality was discussed by two of the respondents. One said while discussing what she likes about SM play: "I like a lot about SM, I like the prestige and honor it brings, the spirituality…" Another respondent while discussing what drew her to SM play said:
The SM community is seen as a very supportive aspect of SM play. One respondent said: "…we belong to some communities and an informal group where we can share ideas." Another said:
SM play and being involved in the SM community were seen as status symbols, a source of pride or prestige. One respondent who received marks on her body from her play said: "and the marks I was receiving I was proud of, cause I guess it was this woman I loved so much was paying attention to me, and it was all new Another respondent discussed being a submissive: "Um, I’ve always thought of myself as a sexual submissive, which I was really proud of. And he [her Master] took me places I never dreamed, ever expected to go." Another respondent talked about being proud because she is "special" to her Master While discussing what drew her to SM play she said it was "the taboo[,] it not being considered normal…" Some of the respondents spoke of getting pleasure out of the personal challenge that SM play gave them. In some cases it was a challenge to exceed their pain thresholds. In other cases it was a challenge to elevate their emotional comfort levels. In all cases they felt that they grew as people because of the challenges SM play offered them. One respondent said: "…the more you play the more you can take and it is a personal challenge every time you play." She goes on to discuss how she has grown:
Another respondent said that she has "grown because of the [SM] lifestyle." While discussing growing as a person, one respondent said:
She goes on to say: "I just find that great fun, to keep getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. And to try new things, I mean I never thought I would pierce somebody when I first got into the scene." Pleasing his or her Master is seen as another positive aspect of SM play. It makes them feel proud and special. It also enhances the excitement of SM play. One responded said this about pleasing her Master: "…and knowing that I’m there, pleasing my Master too feels incredible, that would be a turn on." Sometimes it is difficult for the Submissive to feel all right with not being able to please their Master, because it is such a positive experience when they do. One respondent discussed this: "…but it’s the frustration of not feeling like I could live up to the expectations of my dom to be able to perform or take what is offered to me." Pleasing the Master is a very important aspect of SM play. It is representative of one of SM play’s main goals, making playing with power and control a fine art. Sub-space is when the Submissive has completely let go and is fully experiencing what is being done to them and how it makes them feel both physically and mentally. It is similar to euphoria, almost like an out-of-body experience that is extremely satisfying to the submissive. One respondent describes it:
Another respondent describes her first experience with SM play, where she experienced what others call sub-space:
Many respondents spoke of intensity, or called their SM play experiences intense. This intensity heightened their experiences, which seemed to increase their pleasure. While discussing what she likes about SM play, one respondent said: "the way women look at you is more intense." Another describes a scene involving being pierced: "I never really had a piercing, especially standing up, and I, I went out. It’s like bye, see ya. And it was the first time I ever experienced an endorphin rush." While discussing what she likes about SM play, one respondent said: "In a more mundane world I like the intensity."
How SM Play Helped with Problems Stemming from Past Sexual Abuse
The focus of this study was to discover, for survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play, what, if any techniques or aspects of SM play are helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy. Speaking in general, a respondent said: "S&M has been very helpful with all my life problems." The respondents discussed many techniques and aspects that were helpful for them. The data to follow shows how respondents link aspects of SM play, the experiences which ensue and the development of a better sense of self, self-esteem and self-respect, an ability to feel and express emotions, experience intimacy, communicate and be more in touch with their bodies. Knowledge of ones self, and in some cases of one’s life experiences, was gained through SM play. Each respondent discussed different ways in which they discovered things about themselves through their SM play experiences. These insights helped them to understand themselves better, which in turn helped them to be more comfortable with sexually intimate relations. One respondent said: "What I like about SM is that I often discover things about myself." "I have grown because of the lifestyle…", another respondent commented. While discussing early SM play experiences a respondent said: "I learned a lot about my abilities and limits." Another respondent said: "He [her Master] has helped me gain a better understanding of what I enjoy, what really turns me on (or off)." Self-knowledge enhances self-esteem and self-respect. Playing with control, power and limits seemed to help the respondents to understand themselves. This knowledge helped them to push their own limits so they could forgive their abuser and to understand the difference between playing with control and power and being abused. This gave them the ability to spot and avoid abusive situations. They also found this play to help them trace problems back to the past abuse experience. While discussing what has been helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy, one respondent discovered about herself: "That all of my most disgusting, perverse fantasies are okay. He [Master] is the one who has already brought many of those fantasies to life." She goes on to discuss how SM play erotica that her Master would send her to read gave her insight into herself: "It allowed him to get to know me, and more importantly, allowed me to get to know me. It made me think about things I had always gone out of my way to ignore." One respondent found that SM play helped her to learn about the positive side of sex: "It is teaching me … that sex is a good thing not something to be bought and sold as a commodity." It also helped her to understand herself, she said that she has "lots of anger to still deal with" and "I guess I am still working on the sexual part of all of this." Through a scene a respondent learned to see her abuser in a different light, SM play taught her forgiveness which is a part of herself that she has struggled with:
Another respondent, through participating in SM play scenes, learned about punishment for the first time: "It has taught me that there are 2 kinds of punishment, good and bad." While discussing abuse she experienced while with a SM play partner, one respondent told of how this experience gave her insight into how much strength she has:
Another respondent discovered that she might be able to find what she is looking for from a non-SM play relationship:
Self-esteem and self-respect are sometimes difficult for abuse survivors to attain. Comfort with sexually intimate relations seems to be difficult to achieve when a person lacks self-esteem and self-respect, because it is difficult to find a partner who respects you if you cannot respect yourself. Many respondents, such as the following, spoke of how the confidence, self-respect and better self-esteem gained through SM play helped them to become more comfortable in sexually intimate relationships: "I like a lot about SM, I like the prestige and honor it brings, the spirituality, when you’re seasoned and the confidence the boundaries I suddenly have…" She goes on to say: "…I started becoming more confident and sex was better…" and: "…I also don’t have to worry usually if I will be getting off, cause now I can ask for it with confidence and if I can’t then there’s something I’m not working on." Another respondent said: "I do things I could never do before like hold my head up proudly because I am special to my Ma’am." One respondent recognizes how important SM play has been for her sense of self by addressing the lack of self-esteem she notices when not engaged in such play: "my self-esteem and all that’s gone way down since I haven’t been playing." Another respondent, while speaking about what she likes about SM play adds: "It’s a tremendous boost to my ego, my self-esteem." She also speaks about how her Master has helped her to enhance her self-esteem regarding her sexuality: "I credit him for all of the positive changes in my sexuality." Respondents spoke of how the different techniques and activities involved with SM play are infused within a structure consisting of rules, that are mutually agreed upon in advance by the participants, and framed within a context of mores held by the SM community. Because of this aspects of SM play such as "dominance" and "submission" and "control" are multifaceted. One cannot be controlled unless they willingly give up control: "I am the one really in control…because if I don’t submit She has no one to Dominate." Each facet of SM play links with its opposite, setting up paradoxical situations. The structure of SM play creates a situation where the participant can take or give up power in safety, thus enhancing their ability to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations. In this way the structure of SM play is basic to the helpful process. As an example a respondent discusses a childhood incident where she was more powerful and in control than her mother and how that caused problems with her being an effective Top, because she was uncomfortable being the one in control:
Respondents are aware of the rules involved with role-play, the suspending of reality, which is the basis of SM play. This suspension of reality takes place within the context of a "safety net," which provides a safe place for the experiences that SM play brings about: "Physically speaking of S&M, I like that there is a type of play out there that can be consensual." The SM community was said to provide a sense of belonging for the respondents. One respondent, upon learning of other people’s involvement with SM play, felt better about herself and her thoughts: "And it opened my eyes to something else: If other people were writing such kinky, perverted things, then I wasn’t the only on fantasizing about them! That was an eye-opening experience." The remainder of this section will focus on specific techniques and aspects of SM play that are helpful in achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations. They will be discussed in the following subheadings: "Playing with Control/Power," "Communication and SM Play," "Trust and SM Play," "A Sense of Safety," "Mutual Respect in SM Play," "Emotional Bond/Intimacy," and "Getting in Touch with One’s Body."
Playing with Control/Power.
Playing with control and power seemed to foster an understanding of how much power and control the respondents actually have, which is more than they previously thought they had. It showed them that they were in control during SM play, so any control they gave up was voluntary; because of this they found giving up control and power very empowering. This helped them to gain the confidence to ask for what they want and need. Control/power play is one of the main aspects of SM play, as one respondent emphasized: "So I think SM is extraordinarily powerful, I think it plays with two of the number one, key elements which are intense sensation/pain and exchange of power…" note that in child sexual abuse, physical and/or psychological control and power are taken from and also exerted over the victim. While discussing her control and Master, another respondent said:
Willingly giving up control/power helps her to relax and enjoy the interaction. She explains how giving up power is a gift: "I think that it is a turn on for them, that you’ve given up that power. A total gift, because you’re really surrendering yourself which is a gift." Another respondent also felt that giving up power within the context of trust is a gift: "Um, submission to me, is a profound gift, it’s a gift of trust and energy and a person’s vulnerability, and their power." This gift is given within the context of the "safety net" which is inherent in SM play. Giving up control during control/power play makes one respondent feel more desirable because her partner (Master) solely initiates the SM play interactions, thereby showing that he is attracted to her and wants to be with her which helps to raise her self-esteem and empower her:
She goes on to tell how control/power play is exciting to her in that she is giving up control/power of her own free will:
Many respondents spoke of how SM play has empowered them. Power was one of the things that past abuse took away from them. To have something in their lives that helps them gain that back is extremely important to them. One respondent said that she is very "accommodating by nature" which caused her, in relationships, to let things build up and then she snaps and starts crying. She said that being a Top has taught her to "become a more powerful woman" and she is now better at discussing problems, rather than letting them bother her. Being empowered by playing with power and control appears to help create better personal boundaries for her. Also referring to control/power play as being empowering, one respondent said: "So for me, playing with control and power has been extraordinarily empowering. And bottoming has been extraordinarily empowering, because you can’t consciously give up something you don’t already have. So, that’s been great." A respondent links self-esteem with a gain in comfort with sexual intimacy through feeling empowered in the sexual act:
Regarding control/power play a respondent makes a counter-intuitive link between being submissive and being in control: "…although I’m the submissive, I feel like I am in control since I’m the one who controls the stop sign." This shows how the context, the set-up situation within which these acts take place, acts as a safety net for the respondents to explore surrender of control. In a sense the submissive actually has control over the setting in the first place. This control is due in part to the contract that the submissive and his/her partner agree upon: "Before we started, we thoroughly discussed what the rules would be." Another respondent learned to exert her personal boundaries, thus empowering herself, by not letting a Master mistreat her. She made sure her contract protected her from things she did not want to do. Her contract gives her control during a SM play scene. While discussing possible abuses by Masters, she talked about how her contract protects her:
A respondent discusses how playing with control has helped her to understand herself: "I don’t know if I have more control, but I have learned how much control I have." SM play has given her insight into her own power and control, it has shown her that she has more control than she realized. This knowledge is often difficult for survivors of child sexual abuse to attain because so much control was taken from them when they were young. One respondent discussed how control in SM play empowered her during a flashback of abuse:
She continues: "Being in control is important to me in a partner if I have to tell her everything it will spoil it for me, I would [be] more apt to take control fuck her and not worry about myself." The element of control helps to keep her enclosed within a "safety net" which forces her to take care of herself. As a way to compensate for the lack of control experienced during the abuse, and oftentimes during much of their childhood, many respondents seemed to overly control aspects of themselves and their lives. As evident by various respondents’ comments, one says: "…I like to control things." Another spoke of SM play’s ability to help her relinquish control: "It’s allowed me to not need to be in control," because "my experience is that the more I play with control and consent, the more I give up control consensually…" Control is not given up consensually during abuse; it is taken from the victim. SM play has given her a safe environment to practice giving up control in order to become more comfortable giving it up. The need to overly control themselves and their lives also causes respondents have great difficulty being emotionally intimate with their partners. Emotional intimacy involves giving up control of feelings. One respondent addresses this: "Control a new one for me, really. I’ve always been in control, both as a top and as a bottom. Only recently have I begun to really relinquish control to another person, deep emotional control, that is."
Communication and SM Play.
Communication is a cornerstone aspect of SM play, having a direct relationship to setting up the situation and maintaining the limits. Every respondent discussed communication and how essential it is to SM play, with comments like:
They described how it helps them to feel more comfortable in sexually intimate relations, with statements such as: "I feel like I can ask for what I want, like fisting or a vibrator…." Another respondent grew emotionally through communication: "…I talk now…not like before when I kept everything to myself…" One respondent also commented that communication helps her to let go of negative thoughts and get out of her head so that she can enjoy being intimate with her partner. While discussing what about SM play has been helpful one respondent said: "The communication, I mean it comes back to that." She continues to say: "but it’s the intimacy and the communication, and the intensity." SM play provides a safe environment in which to talk to their partner, which leads to more knowledge of, and comfort with, their partner:
This "safety net" is also illustrated when, in response to whether or not SM play has been helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy, one respondent said:
She goes on to say: "Communication is vital, both in scene and outside of it. If I can’t TALK about it with someone, I’m not going to DO it with them. That is something I’ve learned over the last maybe 10 years." Communication within the "safety net" involved with SM play taught her how to protect and take care of herself. Speaking to the importance of communication, and her inability to express her wants and needs before she participated in SM play, this respondent said:
She goes on to explain how, because of the communication involved with SM play, it is different now:
Discussing how communication in SM play generalizes to and enhances other situations a respondent said:
Negotiation, which is a form of communication in SM play, and the "safety net" involved with SM play, helped this respondent feel safer in sexually intimate relations: "I don’t have to worry that I am really bad at saying ‘no’ in sexual situations, because those ‘no’s’ have been cleared up in advance." One respondent pointed out that communication leads to trust: "First of all, there is definitely better communication, and I have learned to trust my lover intimately."
Trust and SM Play.
Trust is an important aspect of SM play for survivors of child sexual abuse, because many survivors have great difficulty trusting others. Child sexual abuse is often perpetrated by a trusted adult so they may learn early in their lives not to trust anyone. One respondent while discussing how SM play helps her to let go of negative thoughts linked trust and surrender:
Abuse has made her mistrust her own ability to take care of herself because this ability was taken from her during the abuse episodes. She goes on to explain how trust is necessary in SM play: "I think you have to have trust….yes, I really think you’ve got to have trust." Trust is also played with paradoxically in SM play in order to enhance the experience, she addresses this: "But also in your mind you can play so many games with that, too. If you don’t trust somebody, ‘god, what could he do to me?’" Some fully experience trust with someone they are close to for the first time through SM play: "I like the fact that I have…a partner I would trust with my life." She goes on to discuss trust and how it has been helpful in overcoming some of her past abuse issues that arise during SM play:
Without trust she would not be able to take part in this scenario and she would miss out on the pleasure it gives her. She would not be able to experience pleasure in an act, fellatio, which was part of her abuse. "When I was 3, my [] introduced me to the fine art of fellatio." A respondent discussed how trust comes from her involvement in SM play: "Because of the things that happened to me earlier, I have a difficult time trusting people. After one of these sessions, I feel that I can trust her more." She goes on to discuss whether or not SM play has been helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy: "Yes, because it has helped me learn to trust my lover." When a trusted person is the perpetrator of abuse, it is difficult for survivors to feel safe trusting others. In their minds trust may be linked with abuse; if they trust someone, then that person will abuse them. One respondent while discussing whether or not SM play has helped her gain comfort with sexual intimacy and the role of trust in this process: "some what...it has at least taught me to trust some what." She goes on to say: "…trust is being gained and I talk now…not like before when I kept everything to myself…" While discussing how her personal acceptance of her involvement with SM play has affected her comfort with sexual intimacy she said: "it is teaching me trust…" While speaking of her Master one respondent said: "His patience and trustworthiness is WHY he is one of my favorite Tops to play with." She goes on to say how trust in SM play has helped her to take care of herself and keep herself safe: "I can be intimate sexually with someone I don’t trust, but I am not likely to play with them. If I do, it is likely to be a one-time thing, with a trusted partner watching closely to keep me safe." Another respondent, while discussing how trust in SM play has helped her grow as a person, said: "When you trust somebody to whip you and it’s successful, that creates a foundation. For me it creates a foundation of risk-taking." She describes what a SM play workshop taught her about SM play and trust:
During abuse a trusted person did not give her what she wanted or needed, instead they harmed her. Speaking to the importance of trust, one respondent said: "Trust plays a big part in my play, but more so for them if I am topping them. I have to trust them to communicate with me what they are feeling so boundaries are not overstepped." Another two linked limits and trust; one said that she could not feel comfortable practicing SM play if she did not trust her partner: "Limits: same thing as trust, really." The other describes how he has been helped to be more comfortable and safe in pushing limits during sexually intimate situations: "…there have been occasions when the limits have been overstepped and I let them, only because there was a high level of trust felt."
A Sense of Safety.
Many respondents discussed how SM play helped them to feel safe or gave them a sense of safety or being cared for. Limits, communication, and trust are mentioned as contributing to this. The notion of a "safety net" was also brought up. One respondent said of this: "I was pampered and cared for something I had never […] experienced…" Another said: "I like the fact that I have a safety net, with things like limits and safewords and a partner I would trust with my life." She goes on to explain:
While discussing how limits make her feel safe one respondent said: "I know that she will stop if my limits are exceeded and I have a signal to warn her if she starts approaching them."
Mutual Respect in SM Play.
Trust and respect were linked for most of the respondents; they are also necessary elements for emotional connection. Safety, limits and communication fostered trust and respect. Limits are discussed in advance and a safe word or signal is set up. The master respects those limits and this helps the submissive to trust their master. The master/submissive relationship is built upon respect, if the master does not respect their submissive, then the submissive usually will not be willing to submit. If the submissive does not respect a master, then they will not be in an SM play relationship with that person. If they were to, it will be only when a trusted partner/master is with them to keep them safe. Respect was described by most of the respondents as an important element between a dominant and a submissive, without which the relationship will not work. One respondent in speaking about SM play, in general, said: "it’s about trust, honesty, and respect." In speaking of respect, respect for limits also came up. This is not surprising since boundaries and limits are played with in SM play, because of this both trust and mutual respect become vital for safety. Limits foster an understanding of personal boundaries. Survivors of child sexual abuse often have weak personal boundaries which affects their self-esteem and self-respect. Limits enhanced confidence each time they were used by a submissive and honored by a Master. Here a respondent discusses respect with regard to gaining comfort in sexually intimate relations and as a necessary element in the way a master treats a submissive, indeed as a way to help the submissive grow:
Another respondent describes respect from the submissive point of view as necessary for her comfort in playing SM play with her Master:
And, another, referring to her Masters’ respect for her, said this about how they treat her: "I have been blessed with partners who listen and go slowly when exploring new territory." This show of respect from her partners has made her more comfortable while practicing SM play. While discussing how respect in SM play has made her more comfortable in sexually intimate relations, one respondent brought up the role of respect for oneself:
She goes on to say that while respect is not always guaranteed to be present it is basic in the structure of SM play:
Another spoke of his experience with respect in the SM community:
Most respondent felt that respect and limits are closely linked. Respecting the submissive’s limits shows the submissive that their Master respects them. This makes the submissive feel safer and more comfortable in sexually intimate relations. While describing how limits have been helpful for her, a respondent talked about her Mistress respecting her limits. "I know that she will stop if my limits are exceeded and I have a signal to warn her if she starts approaching them." This respect for her limits allows her to feel safe knowing that her signal will be honored and play will be stopped or altered. A respondent also talked about how respect makes her feel safe in practicing SM play with her partner: "I think that limits and respect go together, and my lover has always respected my limits. If she didn’t, I would have a real problem because I am quite often bound in some of these scenes." A respondent talks about the importance of a dominant respecting the submissive’s limits in order for the submissive to feel safe and comfortable:
Limits can be "pushed" when there is respect on the part of both the dominant and the submissive; this respect provides a safe environment. "Pushing" limits can help the submissive to grow and become comfortable and enjoy a greater number of sexually intimate situations: "Learning how to expand my limits has been very helpful." One respondent spoke about the importance of respecting limits in her professional SM play work, she has them typed out because she is still working on being able to express them. This was indicative of her life, she has a very difficult time putting herself first and protecting herself, this is common among survivors of child sexual abuse. She said that SM play has helped her to stand up for herself and speak up for herself, to ‘come out of her shell.’ She gave an example of the importance of respecting the submissive’s limits and of the submissive enforcing their own limits:
Another made the link between limits and respect telling me that her partner always respects her limits, and if she did not she would not feel comfortable doing scenes with her. While discussing how respect for limits has helped her to be more comfortable and feel safer in sexually intimate relations, one respondent said:
Emotional Bond/Intimacy.
SM play has helped many respondents to feel and express emotion, or an emotional connection. They have a bond with their partner, which entails intimate knowledge, and a sense of being cared for. Being able to connect emotionally with another person was repeatedly found to be a difficulty among the respondents. Respondents spoke of SM play helping them achieve emotional intimacy as well as a kind of focus on the partner that they were not used to. In this connection they refer to the role of non-verbal communication in SM play. One respondent, while discussing her first SM play partner, said: "I was pampered and cared for…" Feeling cared for, being able to feel and express emotions, and having an intimate knowledge of one’s partner all seem to work together to create an emotional connection. Touching and communication lead to these experiences, enhancing the intimate knowledge between partners and making them feel cared for and soothed. Even in cases where the touch involves intense stimulation (pain), a bond is developed between a master and a submissive. The necessity of communication and negotiation before and, at times, during a scene (especially non-verbal communication while participating in a scene) enables the partners to understand each other and creates a level of comfort in discussing things outside of SM play, especially emotions. Communication allows partners to be vulnerable in a safe environment, which fosters further communication, and leads to more intimate knowledge of their partner. While discussing what drew her to SM play, one respondent noted that her SM play relationship lead to more of an emotional bond with her Master:
A respondent found that an SM play relationship provides an atmosphere conducive to emotional bonding: "…I feel a deeper bond with my partner," as opposed to a non-SM play relationship. Another respondent discussed being vulnerable during SM play and how that can lead to more intimacy:
She goes on to say: "…I like the intimacy that happens from the opening, dropping the armor, dropping away the layer." Many of the respondents discussed non-verbal communication and how focused their partner is on them during a scene. The attention they were receiving from their partners served to enhance their experiences and their self-esteem. Focus and getting attention from partners both help to create an emotional connection. Verbal and non-verbal communication help to foster the focus inherent in SM play. During a SM play scene, the master needs to be constantly aware of, or focused on, how the submissive is doing. This is achieved by asking them or by being acutely aware of the submissive’s physical reactions. Attention is linked to touch and communication. By their very nature, SM play relationships entail a great deal of touching. The more gentle touching is often carried over into the rest of the relationship. Communication, verbal and non-verbal, between partners equates to attention. When they are communicating successfully, they are paying attention to each other. One respondent said: "…the marks I was receiving I was proud of, cause I guess it was this woman I loved so much was paying attention to me." A respondent discusses non-verbal communication’s effect on intimacy:
During SM play participants are fully focused on each other, which provides safety for the submissive: "[…] when we are doing that [SM play], our attention is totally focused on each other and nobody else." Focus also "forces" the participants to be fully involved in the scene:
Some survivors of child sexual abuse find their minds being inundated with negative self-thoughts. The necessity of absolute focus in SM play does not allow these thoughts to enter their mind, so they are able to fully enjoy the interaction. Focus, attention and feeling cared for helped one respondent to get past her fear of tickling, which stemmed from past abuse:
A respondent talks about how SM play has brought her closer to her Master because of the emphasis on touching and spending time with her partner which is indicative of SM play:
She continues:
Performing well enough to satisfy her Master’s wishes strengthens one respondent’s self-esteem and self-respect and creates emotional intimacy between herself and her Master. "And when I know that something I’ve done has pleased him, it’s hard to explain why, but it makes me proud, and it makes me feel even closer to him."
Getting in Touch with One’s Body.
Being in touch with their bodies seems to be difficult for survivors of child sexual abuse. This may be due to the necessity of psychologically distancing themselves from what was done to their bodies during the abuse. Bondage and intense stimulation seem to help them to get in touch with their bodies during SM play by creating a sense of helplessness, a sense of release, and a feeling of relaxation within a safe context. Helplessness created through bondage seems to make the submissive feel free to enjoy what they are experiencing. They spoke of negative messages going through their minds, which made it impossible for them to enjoy sexual experiences. Bondage allowed them to let go of those messages. By not being able to actively participate in what was happening to them, they felt able to enjoy it freely rather than talk themselves out of being allowed to enjoy it. what might this tell us about the experience of sexual abuse and its aftermath? Bondage allowed respondents to let go and be able to have an orgasm, which allowed them to learn about their own physical reactions. There is also an element of not being responsible for anything, which also allows them the psychological freedom to enjoy the sensations. Intense stimulation seems to create such great sensation that they are forced to only focus on that, it creates a catharsis that leads to a sense of release. Respondents talked about techniques that lead to experiences which created the ability to get in touch with their bodies. One respondent said SM play helps her to stop negative self-thoughts: it [bondage] gets me out of my head…" She goes on to discuss how bondage could be helpful to get in touch with one’s body:
Linking being bound and controlled with feeling sensations through her body, she in a sense, is forced to feel these sensations because she is helpless and powerless. This helplessness allows her to let go and release:
When discussing what SM play techniques have been helpful for her, she goes on to say: "the bondage of course.":
She then said:
This prior way of thinking served to cut her off from her own body, from experiencing physical pleasure, bondage liberated her from that. Another respondent spoke of bondage’s ability to allow her to "let go" and fully experience pleasure:
She goes on to say:
Bondage freed her mind of negative self-thoughts which helped her to get in touch with, and feel good about, her body. Another respondent (who is often bound in her scenes) while discussing what aspects of SM play have been helpful for her in achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations, said: "because I don’t need to make any decisions during the session, I often feel quite relaxed during it. Sometimes, it has actually been quite restful." Feeling relaxed helps her feel more comfortable with getting in touch with her body, which culminates in experiencing a state of restfulness. Some respondents spoke of feeling a catharsis or release during SM play. One respondent said: "I have grown because of the lifestyle and I think it is a great catharsis…several times a good beating got me out of a sui[c]idal mood." She goes on to discuss pain: "the hard[er] I am beat the more I can let go." In her case, intense stimulation helps her to relax, release, and get in touch with her body. Another, while discussing what techniques he found to be helpful in being comfortable in sexually intimate relations, said:
Spanking put him in touch with his body, which led to a release of pent up feelings.
View of SM Play
While respondents say their views of SM play were initially mixed, they have all come to feel satisfied and happy with their involvement. They describe continuing frustration at having to hide this from society. Some had initially felt shame or fear; or believed stereotypes about SM play, were the respondents who had been introduced to SM play as adults. These thoughts and feelings were all overcome with time and knowledge. Those with childhood fantasies about SM play, have since learned they were not the only ones with such thoughts and feelings, are now also very positive and happy about their involvement with SM play. This acceptance of and satisfaction with SM play could enhance its ability to help them achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations. One respondent discussed her feelings about practicing SM play initially: "…I didn’t know it was okay, what we were doing, if I had known it was okay we could have talked about it…" Another respondent discussed how her Master has helped her to realize: "That all of my most disgusting, perverse fantasies are okay." She goes on to say:
Another respondent speaks to similar feelings: "Right now, I’m happy. However, I used to keep my fantasies secret. Actually, I only share them now either with people who already know or others who I know to be in it themselves." Many respondents were frustrated that they could not be more open about their involvement with SM play, the following quotes from respondents are typical. "The fact that ‘kinky’ is so scandalous in our society means a person has to be very careful about who they share their proclivities with makes for a certain amount of stress." "…I don’t like the idea of not being [able] to openly talk about it." A third describes a specific situation that affected her:
Another respondent also talks about trying to get others to understand without prejudice:
He also is concerned about having to hide his involvement because of this lack of understanding: "The hardest thing that I struggle with being in the community is the fact that I have to hide a lot of it because its still not understood nor accepted by the general populous." In spite of this every respondent said that they are happy with their involvement with SM play, the above respondent put it this way: "I am very happy with my involvement in S/M. I have accepted it into my life just like I would accept a new friend or a new living arrangement. SM and me get along very good." One respondent said: "oh, it’s phenomenal." Another said:
Reactions to the Interview Experience
Overall the reactions were very positive, most respondents felt good about sharing their story. One said: "it was great, it was easy, I didn’t have any problems." She goes on to say: "Actually it allowed me to flash back and think of some of the times with Master, too, which was really nice." Another respondent said:
Another respondent discussed her feelings about sharing her story:
Another respondent said: "oh, it was fun. I um, liked your questions, and uh, I liked the last one’s, I think you, I can tell you’ve been working." She goes on to say:
While discussing his feelings and thoughts one respondent said: "It always feels great to share my stories, thoughts and experiences." He goes on to say:
CHAPTER V: DISCUSSION AND IMPLICATIONS OF THE FINDINGS
The Study Question
The main phenomenon of this study emerged as Achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. This study showed that certain techniques and aspects of SM play were found to help with problems stemming from past sexual abuse. It is important to discuss not only what techniques and aspects are helpful, but also how and why they are helpful. Respondents achieved: self-esteem and self-respect, an emotional connection with their partner, and an ability to get in touch with their bodies. All of these outcomes aid in gaining comfort with sexually intimate relations. Self-esteem and self-respect are sometimes difficult for survivors of child sexual abuse to attain. They are gained through SM play scenarios and relationships by playing with control and power and by utilizing limits. Being emotionally intimate with one’s partner was found to be extremely difficult for abuse survivors. Respondents were able to be more comfortable with emotional intimacy through the use of verbal and non-verbal communication and limits in an environment of safety, trust, and mutual respect. Survivors of child sexual abuse often experience a disconnection from their bodies. Playing with giving up control and power consensually, being helpless and bound, and experiencing intense stimulation within the sphere of mutual respect, safety and trust helped them to experience physically pleasurable sensations. SM play has been organized into a model. The following, Figure 1, shows the structure and the relationships among the thematic categories.
Figure 1. The structure of achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play.
Becoming Involved
The respondents, all self reported victims of previous sexual abuse spoke about their earliest inclinations to SM play and associated certain personal characteristics and life challenges with their interest in or attraction to SM play, including their experiences of sexual abuse. These appear to be the conditions that, at least they, associate with becoming an SM play practitioner. Respondents were first introduced to SM play either by childhood fantasies or during adulthood through someone they knew. The data does seem to show that personal characteristics such as: being adventurous, enjoying sensations, and striving to be personally challenged were all experienced as beneficial characteristics, which helped respondents to enjoy the basic qualities of SM play. Enjoyment of SM play appears to be crucial to its ability to be helpful in achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations. Challenges such as, depression and bi-polar disorder can be connected to poor self-esteem and poor personal boundaries. Poor personal boundaries could cause people to be unable to ensure that their needs are met. They also may have difficulty saying no when confronted with things they are uncomfortable doing. Depression and bi-polar disorder both seem to have an adverse affect on a person’s sex drive. It would seem to be difficult to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relations when faced with such challenges. Eating disorders seem to be directly linked to self-esteem. Bulimia and weight gain were both discussed by respondents, and both seemed to be linked to depression for them. Post-traumatic stress disorder was described by the respondent who also discussed having bulimia. She felt that talking about the past abuse causes her to experience post-traumatic stress disorder. One respondent described flashbacks during a forced sexual interaction. She is one of two respondents who are survivors of rape in adulthood. All of these challenges may cause difficulty in achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations. Each respondent is a survivor of child sexual abuse. Some spoke of being wronged by the abuse. Others seemed to deny its severity or inappropriateness, how does that affect their ability to avoid harmful sexual relations in adulthood? If unable to foresee and/or avoid harmful sexual relations, how would they be able to achieve comfort with sexual intimacy? Those respondents who felt the inappropriateness of the abuse described difficulty with trusting others and with emotional intimacy, which has affected their comfort with sexually intimate relations.
A Safety Net: The Social Structure
Achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play was described by the respondents as an outcome of what they had experienced and learned in their involvement in SM play and with what they described as the SM community. The key term, "safety net" was used along with descriptions of feeling safe and comforted in settings created in a way that tested them to the limits of sensual experience (pain) and trust (being able to communicate needs verbally and non-verbally and expect to have them met), and by providing boundaries and rules they could depend upon. They describe an SM community in which there are understood norms and mores which bind the community and provide the limits (prescription and proscriptions) needed for carrying out SM play as well as providing an experience of feeling part of a community of people who have similar fantasies, who "know" what they do has positive and helpful features regardless of what others (outsiders) may think. In this way, the stigma associated with their acts and fantasies can be alleviated. However, it is interesting to note the variations in experience; those who came to their SM fantasies in adulthood with their involvement and did not report as much comfort from the use of SM play initially. Those that had childhood SM play related fantasies accepted SM play into their lives more easily, and felt relief at finding others who shared their interest. Specific aspects of SM play were described as either positive, engaging participants in experiences which they enjoyed and learned from; negative (discussed below) or helping them to achieve comfort with sexually intimate relationships by leading to a stronger sense of self, self confidence, trust, emotional intimacy, and by closing the split between mind and body which they had acutely felt. Psychotherapy, when the respondent felt able to speak about their involvement in SM play and was responded to in a supportive mode was reported to have a positive affect on the persons ability to use the SM play to alleviate the difficulties brought on by the experience of sexual abuse.
Dangers
Respondents are aware of the presence of and potential for abuse in SM play and point out that this can spoil their experience. Particular features of some SM play, such as using humiliation and degradation and certain mind games (see Chapter IV), are seen by some participants as negative and to be avoided. This is important as it suggests dangers from which a person who already suffers from low self-esteem and difficulties with intimacy stemming from previous abuse could perpetuate their negative experiences rather than gain help and comfort in achieving intimacy. The data does reveal several other possible conditions which could effect this relationship such as: therapy experiences, positive techniques and aspects of SM play, and the respondents’ view of SM play (see chapter IV for specific examples from the data). Psychotherapy when the therapist was not supportive of the respondents’ SM play involvement proved to be a negative experience enhancing the sense of stigma.
Gains
Respondents who had childhood fantasies more readily accepted SM play into their lives. They even experienced a sense of fulfillment and a sense of relief when they discovered that other people also had these inclinations. The respondents who were introduced to SM play as adults seemed have more potential for difficulties in accepting their involvement with SM play. Some of those difficulties were initial fear, believing the negative myths and stereotypes, and great shame about their involvement with SM play. All the respondents did eventually find a way to not only accept their interest in SM play, but to embrace it. This acceptance of SM play is linked with their self-acceptance. Once they were able to accept SM play’s place in their lives they are more able to accept themselves. Accepting a socially misunderstood aspect of themselves, such as their interest in SM play, makes it easier to accept themselves as a whole. This self-acceptance in turn helps in achieving comfort with sexual and emotional intimacy. Discussion of Findings in Relation to the Literature
The literature on SM play to date has generally focused on what SM play is. This growing body of literature is extremely valuable, however it is lacking a great deal of information about the effect of SM play techniques on survivors of child sexual abuse. Haines (1999), discussed how SM play provides a safe environment and promotes empowerment for survivors of child sexual abuse. It makes power dynamics consensual. This is consistent with what the respondents in the present study have said. Playing with control and power made them feel empowered which lead to increased self-esteem and self-respect. Maltz (1991) stated that healthy ground rules improve self-caring, Courtois (1993) also said that a way to counteract the effects of abuse is to set limits and establish boundaries, this is consistent with the finding that limits helped to foster stronger personal boundaries which served to increase self-esteem and self-respect. This study further discovered SM play’s ability to help survivors of child sexual abuse to get in touch with their bodies through being helpless and feeling relaxed and a sense of release fostered by bondage and intense stimulation. According to Maltz (1991) survivors of child sexual abuse need skills such as relaxation, rest, and active awareness in order to achieve comfort with sexual intimacy. Maltz (1991) and Courtois (1993) further discuss survivors of child sexual abuse and their difficulty with trust and in establishing and maintaining intimate relationships. Maltz stated that survivors learn empathy, honesty, trust and communication during healing. These elements of healing were found to be present in SM play and to foster an emotional connection between the respondents and their partners. Also in agreement with what was found in this study, Maltz discussed communication and its ability to create trust. Touching was also found to be helpful in fostering an emotional connection, in agreement, Maltz found that touch within the bounds of preset limits was helpful in creating intimacy. The safe, consensual environment, discussed by Haines (1999), was found to help foster trust and respect, which lead to an emotional connection with their partners. The initial literature on SM play called it a perversion (Krafft-Ebing, 1886; Freud, 1938). Later works recognized that it was not a perversion, but a consensual act between adults (Ellis, 1926; Thompson, 1994). Others saw SM play as socially created and symbolic (Gebhard, 1969; Noyes, 1997). This study shows SM play to be a consensual act, not a perversion, that is highly symbolic in that is based on role-play and suspension of reality. Among the studies of SM play, Weinberg (1987/1995) found SM play to be a subculture who’s social organization is framed in terms of fantasy. This is in agreement with the view of the respondents. Gosselin and Wilson (1980/1994), found that people who practice SM play are mentally healthy and happy with their sexual preferences and lifestyle. It was found in the current study that the respondents were all satisfied with their lifestyle and sexual preferences, however there was found to be a high instance of substance abuse, depression, bi-polar disorder, eating disorders, and post-traumatic-stress-disorder. It would seem that the high rate of these challenges may be due to the respondents’ history of child sexual abuse. Gosselin and Wilson did not address abuse history in their study. Breslow, Evans, and Langley (1985/1995) found that men outnumbered women in general in the SM community. Of the respondents in the current study, women outnumbered men by a large majority. This would seem to be due to the criteria of being a survivor of child sexual abuse, according to Courtois (1988), females are the victims of incest more often than males. Moser and Levitt (1987/1995) sought to understand who practices SM play, their findings are consistent with the current study. The current studies’ respondents were also found to be educated, not exclusively dominant or submissive, all started out as submissives and some are switches and some changed to be dominants. Most of the respondents also, in agreement with Moser and Levitt, accept their interest later in life. Most also did seem to engage in non-SM play sexual behaviors. The majority also practiced the less extreme SM play, and all of the respondents have accepted themselves and their involvement with SM play, just as participants in Moser and Levitt’s study. Kamel and Weinberg (1995) found that SM play involves consent and agreement, this is in agreement with respondents feelings about SM play. They also found that mutual love and affection are important to an SM play relationship, this reinforces what was found in the current study. All of the respondents have at one point in time found SM play partners who they share love and affection with. Weinberg and Magill (1995) looked at the popularity of SM play themes in popular culture, one respondent agreed with their findings discussing how many SM play informational clubs have worked extremely hard at making SM play more widely understood in hopes of dispelling the negative stereotypes and myths. Brame, Brame, and Jacobs (1993) discussed aspects of SM play, one of the things they described was bondage and how it makes the participant feel helpless which gives them sense of freedom, this is in agreement with the findings of the current study. Scott (1980, revised 1998) found that SM play satisfied a woman’s need to experience power and control and a man’s need to relinquish power and control. The present study found that both men and women had a need to both keep and relinquish power and control, depending on the circumstance. In agreement with the current study, Scott found that communication builds trust. Also in agreement to the current study she found that the submissive defines the limits of play and is in a sense in control because of that power. Miller and Devon (1995) discuss trust in SM play as being built through successful scenes with a partner, this was also found in the current study. They go on to say that as trust is increased then the submissive will give up more control over their "emotional self" (p.5). This is in agreement with the findings of the current study, trust helped to foster emotional connection. They also point out that the submissive gives the power willingly to the dominant, thus empowering the dominant, the present research found that willingly giving up power helped to the submissive to feel empowered as well. They said that the dominant is always respectful of the submissives limits and the limits are only pushed when the relationship has grown, this was also in agreement to the current study. They stress that SM play is based on communication, respect and trust, which were found in the current study to foster an emotional connection. Califia (1979/1995) points out that those participating in an SM play scene must be trustworthy and respectful or they will be rejected, this is in agreement with what all of the respondents discussed. The present study differs from all of the existing studies and informational books in that it focuses on survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. With the exception of Haines (1999), none of the sources in the literature focused on survivors of child sexual abuse who also practiced SM play. Given that limitation there was a great deal of agreement between the literature and the findings of the current study. There was general agreement about the specific aspects of SM play. The techniques that were seen to be helpful for survivors of child sexual abuse in the literature were found in varying degrees in SM play by the current study. Many of the difficulties discussed in the literature as being caused by the experience of child sexual abuse were found in the present study, the most widely discussed being difficulty with emotional intimacy. The present study is an initial step in researching survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play. It’s strength lies in its ability to delineate the phenomenon of achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations through SM play. This is in contrast to other research that has either not specifically looked at this phenomenon apart from other aspects of SM play or has ignored it entirely.
Limitations of The Study
The relationship between achieving comfort with sexually intimate relations and SM play can be affected by intervening conditions, as most described. This study is limited to only what the respondents have shared; it is probable that there are many other conditions that were not shared. It is also important to note that this study should not be generalized to the general population. This study is a description of individuals’ feelings and experiences. Those that volunteered to take part in the study are each in a unique position in that they are comfortable discussing their involvement with SM play as well as discussing their status as abuse survivors. Not everyone who fits the qualifications to take part in the study is comfortable discussing one or both qualifications. One participant spoke to this in acknowledging that she would not be comfortable with an in-person interview because she is still having difficulty with problems stemming from past abuse. A contact person at the Society of Janus, along with therapists who were contacted about referring possible respondents all brought up the difficulty of finding people willing to openly talk about their involvement with SM play because of the stigma society has attached to this type of interaction. A limitation to understanding the exact link between childhood fantasies and later involvement with SM play is that this study does not have any data on the general population’s childhood fantasies. Therefore it is unknown if there are people who also had SM play-type fantasies as children but who did not later become involved with SM play. It is beyond the scope of this study to know what the response of the general population is to the popular media images of SM play. The data is also limited, in that it cannot show if the personal characteristics are unique to the respondents or if a high percentage of the general population has them as well. It is limited by the nature of the interview; did the respondents list these personal characteristics because of the topic of the interview and the nature of the questions?
Implications for the Study of SM Play
Most current studies of SM play focus on who participates, what participants actually do during SM play and how they do it, and some even touch on why they do it. It is hoped that this study will inspire others to research survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM play, there is still much to be learned about and from these individuals. In researching this phenomenon, it was found that there is a great deal of interest in the ability of SM play to be helpful for survivors of child sexual abuse. Clinicians, members of SM play informational clubs, and participants of SM play all expressed a desire for this information. There were also many clinicians and researchers (even the researcher herself) who expressed concern that not enough people would be willing to participate in a study such as this, but this was not found to be the case. Many of the respondents knew of other people to refer to the researcher if the need would have arisen. The clinicians who referred people were only in the San Francisco Bay Area, if clinicians were contacted across the country there would be the potential for many more respondents. The number of web-sites available to post a recruitment notice is far greater than the few that were needed and used for the current study, and more are created everyday. All of these factors show that more studies about this phenomenon not only can be done, but should be done. Studies involving SM play would benefit from looking at abuse survivors in relation to those who practice SM play who are not survivors, to see if their responses are similar or different and why.
Implications for Therapeutic Interventions for Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
The ramifications of child sexual abuse are multifaceted. Each individual has different coping abilities and unique circumstances. To say that one therapeutic style or technique is correct above all others would be a gross over simplification. This paper’s findings point to a new option for therapeutic intervention. Many of the most helpful qualities and techniques of SM play are similar to therapeutic styles such as cognitive-behavioralism. Role-play is a common technique in psychotherapy; it is also a necessary part of SM play. The therapeutic interaction is designed to take place within the context of safety, as is SM play. Given that SM play is designed to be a safe and consensual interaction, with similarities to the therapeutic experience, therapists have a responsibility to be non-judgmental towards their clients who participate in it. If these clients are survivors of child sexual abuse, then it is necessary for the therapists to, not only support this involvement, but to incorporate the helpful features into the therapeutic experience. This may be done through homework assignments meant to help the client utilize these aspects of SM play to help him or herself. Survivors of child sexual abuse who are not interested in SM play may also benefit from some of the aspects. Communication is important for having control over a sexual situation that may be emotionally uncomfortable or cause flashbacks for survivors, in these cases they need to be able to enforce their limits or boundaries. Trust and respect are also gained through communication as well as through having their limits and boundaries honored. Role-play is a very common technique in therapy for demonstrating to the client better options for interpersonal interactions. The therapist could, through role-play, teach the client how to use communication to provide safety by enforcing their limits and boundaries. Therapists could also encourage the client to use role-play, as a suspension of reality, with their partner as a way to discuss potentially fear inducing sexual interactions with them in a lighter fashion, before they engage in a sexual act. This could be done in the form of a story where the main characters are the partners and all of the sexual interactions they are going to do together could be discussed in advance. This would give the survivor a way to say what they are or are not comfortable with in advance, so they do not feel pressure to do something they are not ready for. This is somewhat similar to the contract and discussion of the scene that takes place before actual play in SM play. Therapists need to be open to the positive and potentially helpful qualities of SM play. This is important for anyone who is a practitioner of SM play who seeks out therapeutic assistance. The data shows that SM play is not a perverted, dangerous interaction. In fact, it shows that SM play has the potential to be healing and rewarding for its practitioners. This is important information for a therapist who wishes to help their client and not harm them by criticizing their involvement with SM play.
Suggestions for Further Research
SM play is still a relatively untapped resource because, comparably, so few studies have been done. We understand more about it today then we did ten years ago, and society is slowly growing more accepting of it. This means that there is much to be learned and many opportunities for further research. In contacting people, when I first began this research project, it was brought to my attention that there are no studies on exactly how many people who practice SM play are survivors of child sexual abuse. This quantitative study would be much more feasible today given that people can respond to a questionnaire through the internet thereby remaining completely anonymous. This anonymity is crucial for attaining enough people willing to disclose their status as an abuse survivor as well as their status as a practitioner of SM play. This study would add valuable, new information to the study of SM play. Another study could contrast and compare the SM play experience for those who are not survivors of child sexual abuse to those are. This could show if there is any difference in the experience of the two populations. Does SM play have a different meaning in their lives? Does it have a different affect on them? What value does each place on it? How are the outcomes different or similar? Quantitatively, a study could be conducted examining what survivors of child sexual abuse who do not practice SM play think of the techniques that this study found to be helpful for the respondents. A likert scale could be used for them to show how helpful they think each technique would be for them in achieving comfort with sexual intimacy. A study, with a similar format to the current study, could look at a broader range and interview survivors of other forms of sexual abuse, such as rape, who practice SM play. Discovering what techniques are or are not helpful for those respondents. These findings could then be compared to the current studies findings to see where they are similar and where they are different. This study could be followed up by a quantitative study ascertaining what survivors of other forms of sexual abuse who do not practice SM play think of the helpfulness of those techniques. Questions, which require a response on a likert scale, could be used to accomplish this. Many of these studies could also be conducted with survivors of non-sexual abuse as well. Each of these studies could help to fill the current void caused by the sparseness of research into abuse survivors who practice SM play.
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(1965). Justine, philosophy in the bedroom, & other writings (R. Seaver and A. Wainhouse, Trans.). New York: Grove Press. (Original work published 1791) Ellis, H. (1995). Studies in the psychology of sex. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 37-40). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1926) Falk, G., Ph.D., & Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D. (1997). Sadomasochism and popular western culture [quote from this study]. In J. K. Noyes, Ph.D., (author), The mastery of submission: Inventions of masochism: Vol. . S & m: Studies in sadomasochism (p. 9). Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press. (Original work published 1983) Freud, S. (1995). Sadism and masochism. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 33-35). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1938) Gebhard, P. H. (1995). Sadomasochism. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 41-45). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1969) Gosselin, C., & Wilson, G. (1994). Sexual variations: Fetishism, transvestism and sado-masochism [excerpt of a study in their book]. In B. Thompson, Ph.D. (Ed.), Sadomasochism: Painful perversion or pleasurable play? (pp. 100-103). New York: Cassell. (Original work published 1980) Grossman, W. I., M.D. (1991). Psychoanalytic Quarterly, 60(1), 22-52. Haines, S. (1999). The survivor's guide to sex: How to have an empowered sex life after child sexual abuse. San Francisco: Cleis Press. Kernberg, O. F., M.D. (1991). Sadomasochism, sexual excitement, and perversion. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 39(2), 333-362. Lawner, P., Ph.D. (1979). Sado-masochism and imperiled self. Issues in Ego Psychology, 2(1), 22-29. Levi Kamel, G. W., Ph.D., & Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D. (1995). Diversity in sadomasochism: Four s & m careers. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 71-91). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1995) Maltz, W., M.S.W. (1991). The sexual healing journey: A guide for survivors of sexual abuse. New York: Harper Perennial. Miller, P., & Devon, M. (1995). Screw the roses, send me the thorns: The romance and sexual sorcery of sadomasochism. Fairfield, CT: Mystic Rose Books. Mishler, E.G., Ph.D. (1986). Research interviewing: Context and narrative. Cambridge: Harvard University Press. Moser, C., Ph.D., M.D., & Levitt, E. E., Ph.D. (1995). An exploratory-descriptive study of a sasomasochistically oriented sample. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 93-112). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1987) Moser, C., Ph.D., M.D., & Madeson, J. (1996/1999). Bound to be free: The sm experience. (rev. ed.) New York: Continuum Publishing. Naylor, B. A. (1986). Sadomasochism in children and adolescents: A contemporary treatment approach. Psychotherapy, 23(4), 586-592. Noyes, J. K., Ph.D. (1997). The mastery of submission: Inventions of masochism. Ithaca, NY: Cornell University Press. Rothstein, A., M.D. (1991). Sadomasochism in the neuroses conceived of as a pathological compromise formation. Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 39(2), 363-375. Scott, G. G., Ph.D. (1980,1997/1998). Erotic power: An exploration of dominance and submission. (rev. ed.) Secaucus, NJ: Carol Publishing. Strauss, A., Ph.D., & Corbin, J.,M.S., D.N.Sc. (1998). Basics of qualitative research: Techniques and procedures for developing grounded theory (2nd ed).Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications. Thompson, B., Ph.D. (1994). Sadomasochism: Painful perversion or pleasurable play?. New York: Cassell. von Krafft-Ebing, R. (1995). Psychopathia Sexualis. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 25-31). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1886) von Sacher-Masoch, L. (1989). Venus in Furs (U. Moeller & L. Lindgren Trans.). New York: Blast Books. (Original work published 1870) Weinberg, M. S., Ph.D., Williams, C. J., Ph.D., & Moser, C., Ph.D., M.D. (1996/1999). The social constituents of sadomasochism [summary of study]. In C. Moser, Ph.D., M.D. & J. Madeson (Eds.), Bound to be free: The sm experience (pp. 30-32). New York: Continuum Publishing. (Original work published 1984) Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D. (1995). Sadism and masochism: Sociological perspectives. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 119-137). Amherst, NY: Prometheus. (Original work published 1978) Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D. (1995). Sociological and social psychological issues in the study of sadomasochism. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 289-303). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1994) Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D. (Ed.) (1995). S & m studies in dominance and submission. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D., & Levi Kamel, G. W., Ph.D. (1995). S & m: An introduction to the study of sadomasochism. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.d. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 15-24). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1995) Weinberg, T. S., Ph.D., & Magill, M. S., Ph.D. (1995). Sadomasochistic themes in mainstream culture. In T. S. Weinberg, Ph.D. (Ed.), S & m: Studies in dominance and submission (pp. 223-230). Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. (Original work published 1995) Wright, S. (Ed.) (1999). Sm Classics. New York, NY: Masquerade Books.
Appendix A
Recruitment Notice
ARE YOU A PRACTITIONER OF SM? ARE YOU ALSO A SURVIVOR OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE? WOULD YOU LIKE TO TALK ABOUT THESE TWO THINGS?
As a student of psychology, I am interested in exploring the relationship between SM play and survivors of child sexual abuse. I hope to learn about this relationship by looking at the experiences of survivors of child sexual abuse who practice SM. I am currently engaged in research for a doctoral dissertation and I would like to talk to interested people and hear about their experiences. If you are a practitioner of SM and a survivor of child sexual abuse and are willing to talk to me about your experiences, in a confidential setting, I would appreciate your input. For more information please contact me at (510) 528-0094 or e-mail me at edethomsen@aol.com.
Thank you,
Ede Thomsen, M.A. Appendix B
Format for Initial Phone Contact
Format for Initial E-mail Contact
· Identifying information about the researcher:
I am a doctoral student in the process of writing my dissertation at the Center for Psychological Studies in Albany, CA. This is a state approved school which offers a graduate program leading to a Ph.D. in psychology.
I am interested in the study of human sexuality. I am especially interested in whether SM play can b helpful in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy for survivors of child sexual abuse. I would like to talk with people who have been sexually abused as children and are practitioners of SM.
· Purpose and potential benefits of the study:
The purpose of this study is to understand this experience from your point of view. The study may help professionals to better understand and support their clients who practice SM and who are survivors of child sexual abuse. It may also help people to understand SM better so that there won't be as many negative associations with it. It is hoped that it will add to the therapeutic tools that a therapist uses to help survivors of child sexual abuse in gaining comfort with sexual intimacy.
· Statement of voluntary, confidential, and anonymous participation:
Confidentiality is my highest priority. If you choose to participate in this study, your name will not be used nor will any individual information be revealed in any oral or written materials. However, in the interest of the research, you may be quoted directly only when such quote will not identify you to others. You are free to withdraw from this study at any time.
· Explanation of procedures:
I will interview you at a time and place that is convenient for both of us. The place must be quiet and free of distractions. The interview will last between one and one and a half hours and will be audio taped. Do you have any questions about the interview procedure? (Most of this does not apply to you since, if you are willing, we will do the communicating through e-mail).
· Establishment of eligibility and participation:
Participants will be selected on the basis of their involvement with SM and their status as survivors of child sexual abuse. The criteria for child sexual abuse, is inappropriate sexual touch experienced as a child by an adult or older child. If you fit these qualifications, then you are eligible to participate in this study and I appreciate your willingness to help me. At this point I would like to ask you if you are willing to participate in this study? (please e-mail me the answer)
Do you have any questions so far? (please feel free to e-mail them to me)
I would now like to gather some personal information from you. If you do not feel comfortable answering these questions, please say so. (see Voluntary Personal Information Form below).
· Scheduling of appointments:
The interview will be conducted through e-mail. I would be happy to call you also if you want to ask me any questions. Here is my phone # if you want or need to call me (510) 528-0094.
Appendix C
Appendix D
Informed Consent Statement for E-mail Interview
I, ________________________________________, hereby willingly consent to participate in the research project, Techniques of SM that are helpful in gaining healthy sexual intimacy for survivors of child sexual abuse, to be conducted by Edith Thomsen, M.A., under the direct supervision of Sylvia Sussman, Ph.D., her committee chair and a faculty member at the Center for Psychological Studies.
This research will examine the question of whether aspects of SM could be helpful to SM practitioners who are also survivors of child sexual abuse.
I understand the procedure to be as follows:
An interview which will be conducted through e-mail. The information conveyed to the researcher will kept confidential and used for data analysis. Upon completion of the project, the e-mails will be erased. I may be contacted at some point after the interview by the researcher if questions arise.
I will be discussing my experience of being a child sexual abuse survivor who practices SM and SM's effect on my comfort with sexual intimacy. I will try to respond to the researcher's questions openly and sincerely.
I have been assured that I may refuse to discuss any topic that I feel is an invasion of my privacy. I am aware of the potential discomfort that involvement in this study may provoke. It may bring back memories of past abuse. If this should happen I may contact the researcher who will make provisions for me to receive professional help free of charge for a reasonable and limited time (three visits maximum). I am aware that due to the fact that the researcher and I live in different parts of the country, this help will be done on the phone or through e-mail.
I understand that I am free to withdraw from this study at any time. I also understand that this study may be published and that my personal identity will be protected unless I give my written consent. No names or other identifying information will be used in oral or written materials. I am aware that I may be quoted, in the interest of the research, only when what I say would not reveal my identity.
I understand I have to option of receiving feedback from the results of this study. I would like a summary sent to me. Yes ________ No ________ If yes, please mail to:____________________________________ ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Name (printed):____________________________________________
Signature:__________________________________ Date:_________
Appendix E
* Items presented in italic were added to the interview guide after data collection had begun.
Feel free to say as much as you want, they are all open-ended questions. Everything you say is important information for my study, so please, if in doubt about if you should add any information in, definitely do! (each category of questions is labeled)
Do you have any questions before we begin? (please e-mail me if you do)
When did you first discover your interest in SM?
Therapy:
SM:
Experience:
The Interview/Ending the Process:
* Items presented in italic were added to the interview guide after data collection had begun.
Age play - A type of role play to gratify a fetish surrounding age; typically daddy/child or mommy/child fantasies [see also: Infantilism].
Algolagnia - The act of transforming pain into sexual pleasure. A synonym for sadomasochism (SM). [see Sadism, sadist; Sadomasochism; Masochism, masochist].
Alternative sexuality - A sexual orientation that differs from a preference for vaginal intercourse (with minor variations) within a monogamous heterosexual relationship.
Alternative lifestyle - Having a sexuality that differs significantly from the "norm" (see Alternative sexuality) may make an alternative lifestyle necessary or desirable. A sexual orientation less common than the norm may stigmatize the individual pushing the person to seek a more accepting subculture. An example is homosexuality and the formation of the gay community.
Anal play - Any sexual or fetish practice concerning the anus and/or rectum, chiefly includes: anal sex, rimming, enema play, and anal fisting.
Anal training - Preparation of the anus for anal play.
Anilingus - Anal-oral sex. Dental dam or plastic wrap is helpful for preventing exchange of harmful organisms.
Animal play - Role playing wherein one or both partners assumes the role of an animal, chiefly: puppy, dog, and pony.
Asphyxiation play - Restricting air (and/or blood) flow by choking to enhance the sensation of orgasm. Very dangerous play, we don’t recommend it.
BDSM - Once upon a time this was all called Sadomasochism (SM, S/M or S&M) and we were all deemed very bad, sick, perverted people. We were just people though, as horny as everyone is, with a little kink to make us special. But some of us didn’t want to be called sick, bad perverts and these people invented names like Dominance and Submission (D&S, DS or D/s). Love Bondage (Love Bondage) and Bondage and Discipline (B&D) to make themselves and the pleasure police think that what they did was different from what those sad, twisted, nasty old sadomasochists did, no no! Then we all got online with our personal computers (well, a lot of us did) and began doing what people do best when they’re not having sex: argue. For months arguments about labels for our kinks clogged up the computer networks. Finally, the term BDSM was born. This made many kinky people happy because it incorporated Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS) and Sadomasochism (SM).
Black lightning - A common nickname for a black fiber glass or resin rod that is used as a cane. Denser than rattan, it can inflict deeper damage and the feel is described as "cutting." [see Cane]
Black snake - A type of single-lash whip that is flexible all the way to the knob.
Bloodsport - SM practices that result in drawing blood. Can include whipping or caning that breaks the skin, branding, cutting, and piercing.
Body fluid monogamy, body fluid bonding - A practice of sharing body fluids only between two partners in order to observe safer-sex recommendations. Commonly, the partners have been tested negative for HIV, sometimes also for hepatitis B and C. The partners may or may not play with others outside their relationship, but only by observing strict safer-sex rules. [see Safer Sex]
Bondage - Any practice involving restraints placed on the body to restrict freedom of movement.
Bondage and discipline, B~D - A classic term referring to several sexual practices including: bondage, slave training, corporal punishment, and dominant/submissive role play.
Bondage belt - A belt, usually leather with metal rings attached, to assist in performing bondage.
Bondage frame - Any stationary device used to assist in performing bondage. Bondage harness - A configuration of straps, usually leather or nylon designed to: 1) ornament the body, and 2) aid in bondage and suspension bondage.
Bottom - An SM practitioner who submits to bondage, training, role play, corporal punishment, etc., but who is not necessarily emotionally committed to his/her dominant partner (top).
Bottoming from the top - Originally a derogatory term for a top who allows his bottom to run the scene, "bottoming from the top" has become a valid style of play. Most tops experience some scenes where they prefer to take at least some direction from their bottoms. Some even prefer this style of play and may call themselves submissive sadists. [see also, Topping from the bottom]
Bottom-space or sub-space - A type of erotically altered consciousness (EAC) identified with feelings of falling into a state of submission. Generally, bottom- or sub-space may be characterized by, diminished ego awareness, less active cognitive behavior, surrendering of will, and/or inability to verbalize. Frequently these functions are assumed by the dominant partner who becomes the submissive's center of focus.
Brat - A bottom who enjoys struggling against control or challenging the top. Brattiness has a wide spectrum from the playful "uppity bottom" to the smart-ass masochist (which see). Some brats are "testing" their dominant, others have a desire to be "conquered and tamed," while some simply do not wish to be controlled. [see Smart-ass masochist]
Brain fade - A state of confusion and/or inability to reason experienced by the submissive. This effect usually results from psychological domination, the mind-fuck, or a deepening submissive state. [see Bottom-space, Sub-space]
Breast bondage - Tying the female breasts with cord, string, rope, rubber bands, scarves, etc. as a part of SM or erotic play. May include nipple bondage or clamping.
Breath control - Control of breathing by the dominant through use of a gas mask or similar apparatus, by choking, or by covering the mouth and nose.
Body modification - The general term for practices that reshape or ornament the body for ritual, erotic, decorative, or fetish purposes. The practices commonly include tattooing, piercing, branding, cutting, and corsetry.
Boundaries - Usually refers to limits (which see) negotiated prior to SM play.
Branding - Burning the skin, usually with heated metal, to produce scarification. Branding can be a part of a scene, ritual, or body modification. The design often consists of several unconnected lines and curves, each requiring a separate strike with heated metal, bent to form its part of the design. The reason for the unconnected lines is to assure that elements of the design do not scar into a shapeless mass; human skin heals differently than the hides of livestock.
Buggywhip - A single thong whip with a rigid core and a flexible cracker at the end.
Cage, bondage cage - Yup, a cage is a cage. These are big enough to hold the whole submissive.
Cane - Traditional canes are flexible rattan or bamboo optionally having a leather wrapped handle. Modern canes may be plastic or fiber glass.
Caning - The art of using a cane on a bottom.
Cat or cat o' nine tails - The term originally referred to a whip used by British navy. Now, cat usually to refers to all multi-thonged whips.
Catharsis - Purgation of emotions and or stress through an SM scene may or may not be intentional.
Checking-in - Asking the submissive how they are doing, feeling, etc. during a scene. Specific questions get more useful answers. An affirmative response to "Are you ok?" may merely indicate that death is not impending, but there still may be problems, particularly with a macho sub. "Would you enjoy heavier (or lighter) sensations?" is a better question. In SM play "is this good for you?" is asked during a scene rather than the typical "was it good for you?"afterwards. Checking-in should not replace a dominant's own observation and focus, it is another part of the safety net.
Cinching – 1) Wearing of a cincher, a garment similar to, but less encompassing than a corset. 2) A bondage technique, for example, to tighten coils of rope holding the wrists together by wrapping the coils between the wrists by one or more "cinch loops" of rope.
Clamp, clamping - Nipple clamps, clothespins, and binder clips are used to pinch or squeeze a small bit of flesh. The target areas for clamping are nipples, cocks, vulvas, and other erotically sensitive areas such as the sides of the torso and inner thighs. Weights can be added to increase the rigor.
Clip - [see Clamp, Clamping]
Clean - A code word used to describe a condition of being disease free. [see Code word]
Cook and ball torture or CBT - Tortures are inflicted on these body parts using clothespins, clamps, cock cages, weight, and various kinds of bindings.
Code word(s) - Word(s) used in personal ads to disguise sexual proclivities that may be unacceptable to mainstream society, eg: English culture, French culture, Greek, clean, discipline, strict, leather, etc.
Collar, collared - 1) A symbol of surrender worn by a submissive. A collar is given in a relationship as a profound symbol of a commitment and bond. A "collared" submissive is considered to be owned (which see) or partnered with a dominant player. 2) A piece of bondage equipment worn around the throat.
Conditional compliance - The SM one-nighter, a limited exchange of power negotiated by a dom and sub for a single scene or brief period of play, such as overnight, one day, or one weekend. [see Power exchange levels]
Conditioning - The term used in psychology for the deliberate process of creating a psychological link between a desired response and an unrelated stimulus. Much of what people in the SM community refer to as training or slave training uses classic conditioning techniques.
Condom - A latex sheath used on a penis or toy as a barrier to prevent the transmission of disease or pregnancy. Natural lambskin condoms are also available, but don't function effectively to prevent the spread of viral illness. [see Safer Sex]
Consensual - Behavior or activities agreed to by all parties involved. True consent is informed consent and requires a reasonably accurate knowledge of possible risks.
Contrapolar stimulation "Hurts so good!" - A type of physical stimulation that Incorporates feeling of both pleasure and pain.
Corporal - Activities that involve the striking of one individual by another are called corporal from the term corporal punishment. Typically corporal activities include spanking, flogging, paddling, and caning.
Counting - The ritualized counting of strokes received. The sub may be required to thank the dominant with each count. Example: "One, thank you Sir. Two, thank you Sir, etc." A typically diabolic practice is to start the count over again each time a mistake is made. Some masochists never seem to get the count correct, even with their shoes off.
Covenant of dominance and submission - A deeply committed symbiotic relationship between a dominant and a submissive. [see Levels of power exchange]
Crossdressing - Dressing in clothes of the opposite gender.
Crucifixion - Bondage incorporating a stationary cross. The submissive’s arms and legs are tied, not nailed. Care must be taken to ensure that the torso is properly supported, otherwise, strangulation may occur.
Cuff, cuffing - 1) Placing handcuffs, manacles, or similar restraints on the wrists and/or ankles. 2) Also refers to the restraints in the noun form. For example: "That is a nice cuff you’re wearing," or "This cuffing is very comfy."
Cutting – I) slicing the skin as a part of body modification, ritual, or scene. Most frequently, designs are transferred to the skin as they would be for the creation of a tattoo. Then either scalpels, razor blades, art knives, or other cutting tool incise the skin at a depth of 1/16" to 3/16. Cuttings can include color by means of tattoo inks or cigar (not cigarette) ash rubbed into the fresh wounds. Care should always be taken to insure sterile conditions. 2) The breaking of skin by use of a corporal instrument. Single lash whips, canes, crops and others can cut if used improperly. 3) The deep stingy feel of some toys.
Dental dam - A latex barrier used for cunnilingus or anillngus to prevent disease transmission. Plastic food wrap is an inexpensive, but satisfactory, substitute.
Derivative pleasure, immediate/delayed - Corporal strokes that are painful at impact, but pleasurable following initial execution. An immediately derived pleasure stroke feels good right after the impact. Delayed derivative pleasure is an accumulation of painful strokes that explodes into sexual heat some time later.
Discipline - The "D" in B&D that can mean; 1) punishment 2) structured training of a submissive.
Do-me queen/king - A bottom that takes passive delight from the physical activities of scening without a desire to give submission or pleasure in return.
Dominance, dominance & submission, D/S, D&S - The consensual empowerment of one partner by the other for erotic enhancement. Dominance and submission are the psychological and emotional underpinnings of SM. [see Power exchange]
Dominant, Dom, Domme, Domina, Dominatrix - The person who is given control in a consensual exchange of power. Domme, Domina, and Dominatrix refers to women. Dominant, or Dom can refer to either gender.
Edge play - Erotic role play near or at the edge of a submissive’s or dominant’s limits. The term also refers to activities that carry a higher than usual element of risk.
Electro-torture - The use of electrical stimulation to create a desired physical sensation.
Emotional buttons, emotional triggers - Associations with words, behaviors, or activities that provoke a strong emotional reaction. Dominants will do well to become familiar with the unique triggers of his submissive. It is important to know, as much as possible. which buttons evoke positive and negative responses.
Endorphins, endorphin high - Endorphins are substances created by the body to help endure pain or stress. Entirely natural, but theoretically similar in feel to opiates. The body’s release of endorphins may create a feeling of well-being, even intoxication, which is called an endorphin high. People differ dramatically in their ability to release endorphins. The possibility of addiction to endorphins has been conjectured.
Enema - The instrument used for, or the act of injecting fluid into the anus to flush the lower intestines. Some people include enemas in SM scenes for humiliation, for preparation for other activities (such as fisting or anal sex), and/or simply because they may enjoy the sensation. English - A code word for spanking or corporal punishment sometimes used in ads. We will have achieved social acceptance when ads in mainstream papers can say, "Romantic sadist seeks masochist lover," instead of nonsense like, "devotee of English culture seeks receptive partner."
Erotic power - Erotic power is like potential energy, becoming significant only when it is exchanged or used to empower a dominant by the transfer of control. [see Power exchange]
Erotic pain - Stimuli that are painful under normal circumstances, but are pleasurable or arousing in a sexual context.
Erotic restraint - Restricting movement for erotic play. Also, refers to the devices used for said purpose.
Erotic surrender - The sexually motivated gift of control of one’s self (within negotiated limits) to one’s partner. A more accurately descriptive phrase for submission.
Erotically altered consciousness, EAC - Any one of several altered states of consciousness achieved by erotic stimulation. [see: Bottom-space, Sub-space; Endorphin high, Flying, Top-space]
Fetish - A sexual fixation on an activity or object.
Fetish community - The name given to that group of people having an alternate sexual or gender orientation, but excluding the (vanilla) gay and lesbian communities.
Fire & ice - The use of hot and cold for sexual stimulation, especially hot wax dripped from a candle and ice applied to the skin.
Fisting - Insertion of the entire hand into the vagina (vaginal listing) or the anus [anal fisting).
Flagellation - The act of whipping a human being.
Flogger, flogging - An unbraided multi-thonged whip is a flogger. To whip using a flogger or other corporal instruments.
Flying - A transcendent state of consciousness sometimes achieved during an SM scene. This rapturous state has been so often described in a similar manner by independent sources that we have no doubt of the validity of the experience. Feelings described by the submissive seem similar to that of out of body experiences and often include a psychic link to the dom. Most commonly, this link is felt as either a tether to the dominant or as a feeling of being surrounded and protected by the dom’s presence or consciousness. Elation and spaciness experienced after flying may be felt for hours, even days after the session has ended.
French - A common code word for kissing involving the tongue, cunnilingus, and fellatio.
Foot fetish, foot worship - A sexual obsession directed toward the feet and/or shoes.
Forced oral, forced sex - Sexual role play where the dom pretends to force an activity that the sub pretends they are under duress to perform. It involves a shared suspension of reality. (A dom only "forces" the sub to perform activities he or she has requested.)
Gag, gaggage - devices that are inserted in or cover the mouth to muffle sound.
Gear - Toys, props, clothes and what-have-you used for scene purposes.
Gender community - People with cross-gender fantasies or cross-gender identification. Cross-dressers, transvestites, and transsexuals make up the gender community.
Gender orientation - Gender orientation is an issue apart from sexual orientation. It is self-identification and feelings of maleness or femaleness, rather than issues of sexual attraction. A person with an alternate gender orientation may or may not have an alternate sexual orientation. For example; a transvestite or a transsexual may be either heterosexual or gay.
Gender play - To dress up or take the role of the opposite sex during a scene. [see Sissification]
German - A code word for Sadomasochistic desires.
Golden shower - Urination on or in another person. Greek - The code word for anal sexual activities.
Handcuffs - These metal shackles are used to bind wrists by law enforcement personal, legally, and by sadomasochists, covertly. Handcuffs are considered weapons and illegal to own in most states, but are easy to buy and commonly used.
Head games - 1) Domination where the focus is primarily mental, such as humiliation, rather than physical, such as bondage or whipping. 2) Non-consensual psychological manipulation to make a person respond in a particular way for one's own purposes.
Heavy - 1) Intense SM play or whipping. 2) A term describing an SM toy such as a flogger or cane that is capable of delivering intense sensations.
Hood - A covering for the head. Hoods used in SM are made of various materials, especially; leather, spandex, and rubber. Some hoods are constructed as ornamentation, others are used as a part of bondage to control or restrict sight, sound, speech (by incorporating a gag), and/or breathing.
Humiliation - Playful embarrassment or humbling a person by teasing them about their sexual desires can be part of erotic control. Humiliation in SM can paradoxically build a person’s self-esteem rather than tearing it down by reinforcing their sexuality. Real attacks on a person’s self-worth or sexuality, or manipulations designed to break their spirit are abuse not within the appropriate practice of SM.
Infantilism - Role play involving infant-like behavior such as diaper wearing, nursing, etc.
In-role - Assuming the persona of a sexual archetype or fantasy character.
Isolation - 1) A fear of interrelating with others. People are often; a) afraid to "come out" about their attraction to SM out of fear of societal repercussions, or b) they may think that no one shares their attraction to a particular SM (or other sexual) practice. In both cases, this can lead to feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, depression, and/or loneliness. 2] A technique of sensory deprivation, bondage, and trickery to make a submissive feel as though he or she is being left alone.
Japanese bondage - [see Oriental bondage, rope dress]
Katherine wheel - A piece of dungeon equipment that looks like a large, vertically mounted wheel to which a submissive is bound, allowing her to be turned or spun. Warning: not for use with the sub that is inclined toward motion sickness.
Knifeplay - Play that includes the use of a knife (does not necessarily imply cutting). Knives are more often used as props for psychological effect, to scrap wax from a body after a fire and ice scene, to remove clothing, and endless other devious purposes.
Latex - Latex and rubber are used to make clothing, sheets and other fetish items.
Leather butt - 1) A term that describes a person who has been beaten so often that only intense whipping has any effect. 2) The condition of the buttocks after heavy paddling. The skin compresses and becomes stiff or "leathery" to the touch. The compression effect is most pronounced with paddles, so leather butt can be avoided by using a mixture of implements.
Lifestyler - A person who lives a lifestyle that supports rather than conflicts with his SM fantasy archetype. Some lifestylers object to the characterization of their SM identities as fantasy role play, feeling that it is integral to their personalities rather than a sexual game. It is easy, and often attractive, to confuse reality and fantasy. [see Alternate sexuality; Alternate lifestyle; In-role]
Limit - The boundaries of SM activities set by both dominant and submissive during negotiation defining what each is willing and unwilling to do within a scene. Limits must be respected and never intentionally breached by either partner. Limits apply to roles, levels of dominance and submission, and duration of time, as well as physical activities such as whipping, paddling, etc.
Live-in slave - A lifestyle submissive in a committed relationship who lives within the context of a slave/master (or mistress) fantasy.
Macho sub - A submissive with a reluctance to show distress, use a safe word, or who feels a need to stoically endure what is not pleasurable. The macho sub may be motivated by a desire to prove her mettle, show devotion, or reflect her internal fantasy. The macho sub must make sure the dom is aware of her inclinations during negotiation. The dom of a macho submissive should rely more on a checking-in technique and less on spontaneous feedback. The macho sub’s saving grace is a strong desire to obey. Ordering her to communicate clearly about stress, as it occurs can override some of her reluctance to "be a wimp." Masochism, masochist - The erotic enjoyment of pain, humiliation, and/or of being dominated. One who enjoys pain, etc. Sometimes the terms are used to describe one who enjoys heavier pain.
Master - A male that takes the dominant role in SM role play. The title may be bestowed upon the male dominant in appreciation of his skill. It may be a term of endearment or a loving tribute to a dom by a submissive in a relationship. Equally often, the term is self-aggrandizement by a male with dominant fantasies, not infrequently with "true" or "real" tacked in front.
Mental bondage- Ropeless bondage by command. A submissive instructed by her dominant to remain in position will feel bound to obey.
Mistress - A female dominant. [see Dominant, Dom, Domme, Domina, Dominatrix]
Mummification - A bondage technique of completely or almost completely wrapping a submissive in restrictive material, such as; plastic wrap, spandex, elastic or gauze bandages, etc.
Negotiation - The process of determining the practices and boundaries of sexual and SM activities between a top and a bottom. It may apply to the whole relationship or just a specific scene. Negotiating is an ongoing process that is repeated as the players’ needs change.
Nipple clamps, nipple clips – [see Clamp, Clamping]
Nipple play/torture - Stimulation of the nipples for corporal or erotic purposes. Often includes; sucking, pinching, clamping, fire and ice, or piercing.
Nonconsensual - SM play that is not sanctioned by either player.
Nostril strap - A device, usually of bent wire, with a string attached for hooking into the nostrils for humiliation and torment. Commonly used in Japanese SM.
Novice - A person with an interest in SM, but lacking in experience.
Oriental bondage, rope dress - Any of a number of styles of rope bondage stemming from styles used in the Far East. Typically, the bondages are highly decorative, uniform, and symmetrical.
Over the knee, OTK - A classic spanking position. Also a code word for same.
Ownership, absolute ownership - 1) Within master/slave role play ownership means having control of the submissive. 2) Loosely used in the SM community to mean an ongoing dominant/submissive relationship. 3) Absolute ownership is a lost-in-fantasy relationship based on sadomasomythology and fictional lore.
Paddle, paddling - A rigid flat-surfaced implement usually of leather or wood used for spanking a fanny. Paddling is the act of using a paddle. A paddle is also the implement that a wise-ass masochist often finds herself up the creek without.
Pain slut - A masochist who derives pleasure from physical pain.
Pansexual- Nongender specific sexual orientation. A group that encompasses all sexual and gender orientations is said to be pansexual.
Piercing - Piercing the skin with a needle in an SM scene, as ritual, or as body modification. Most frequently, piercings are accompanied by the installation of jewelry. An exception to this is play piercing. In play piercing, the needle is inserted into, or through, the skin as a part of a scene, but the wound(s) are often allowed to heal without jewelry being introduced. In play piercings, many parts of the skin may be pierced at the same time. Sometimes, the needles are left in the skin throughout the scene, tied together by string, thread, or rope, then removed at the close of the scene. Piercings that are intended to be permanent usually are placed in sites common among people of the Near East for ornamental and erotic value. These sites are, typically: nostril and septum of the nose, ears (in the lobes, tragus, and helix), lips, nipples, along the shaft and head of the penis, the scrotum, inner and outer labia, and the hood of the clitoris. Some newer fashions of piercings include the webs between the fingers, the eyebrows, and the bridge of the nose. Erotic piercings are said to enhance sensation to the body parts that are pierced. Raelyn Gallina, body modification expert (she performs piercings, cuttings, and brandings) and jeweler from Oakland, CA, invented a piercing called the "Triangle", which penetrates the clitoral hood on both sides, and underneath the clitoris, Thus, the ring installed contacts the clitoris in a place totally beneath the skin. People seeking piercings are warned not to use piercing "guns", sewing needles, or safety pins. It is best to seek professional assistance which is available in most parts of the United States, Canada, and Europe. Very often, tattoo shops will be associated with professional piercers. These people have the equipment to provide sterile piercings and the knowledge to recommend proper after care. Pillory - Handed down from the reign of the Puritans, a pillory is usually wooden-framed, free-standing stocks that imprisons the head and wrists for immobilizing a person. For use with the humiliation of your choice.
Pizzle - The dried and stretched penis of a bull, or other large animal, formed into a whip. These are actually deadly toys.
Plastic wrap - Regular, old plastic food wrap can be used for encasing the body for bondage. Unlike food, it will not keep your submissive fresh. [see Mummification]
Play - Participating in an SM scene or SM scene activity.
Playroom, Pray space - Any area you designate in which to perform an SM scene. Hotel rooms, secluded woods, and delivery vans qualify as well as a permanently furnished basement or dungeon. Also referred to as dungeon space.
Play punishment - The use of punishment as an excuse for an erotic encounter. She burnt the toast that morning, forgot to say, "Sir," or some other trivial misdeed and, alas, must be corrected. Somehow, both end up getting what they crave. As a game, this beats the heck out of strip monopoly. Punishment is an erotic game that should never be used to address serious problems.
Ponygirl, Ponyboy - A classic SM fantasy immortalized in the drawings of John Willie and used in the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Ann Rice. Typical pony garb includes a horsehair tail attached to a buttplug, a bit gag and/or bridle headharness, and reins. Often very high heels, a corset, and feather plumes in the hair are added. The arms are typically bound behind the back. Pony activities range from being displayed and directed by rein to being ridden or pulling a cart.
Pony training - The fanciful transformation of a girl (Or boy) into "pony" to be ridden, to pull a carriage, or to perform as a well-trained horse in obedience and deportment.
Position training - The training of a submissive to assume a given position upon command or under certain circumstances.
Post-scene plunge - Feelings of let-down, depression, fear, disgust, remorse, etc, after participating in SM play. Can be experienced by either dominant or submissive. Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101, uses the term "Top Drop" to describe these feelings on the part of the dominant. Power exchange - The empowerment of the dominant by the submissive’s surrender to his/her control. Power exchange is consensual and should be well negotiated. The depth of the power yielded by the submissive is equal to level of responsibility assumed by the dominant.
Power exchange levels - A system for linking emotional involvement and depth of feeling with degree of power exchange. The Five Levels are: one - Conditional compliance, two - Restricted ongoing acquiescence, three - Provisional submission, four - the Covenant of dominance and submission, and five – Absolute ownership. The first four levels are based in reality.
Provisional submission - An ongoing relationship negotiated between a dom and a sub characterized by power exchange and emotional involvement, but lacking serious commitment. [see Power exchange levels]
Psychosexual - Emotionality, attitudes, orientations, or mind sets associated with erotic behavior or sexual fantasy life.
Punitive pain - Pain that by intention is designed to hurt for nonerotic purposes, usually for punishment. This is abusive and often motivated by a misunderstanding of appropriate control mechanisms.
Pushing limits - 1) A careful process of gradual expansion of limits. 2) Intense play that comes close to the unbearable. [see Edge play]
PVC - poly-vinyl-chloride - 1) A type of plastic used for fetish clothing. 2) The PVC pipes made for plumbing that can be constructed into bondage devices.
Quirt - A corporal toy that looks something like a crop with a flexible, whip-like cracker at the end.
Restricted Ongoing Acquiescence - An agreement, negotiated by a dom and sub, to play casually for an extended period of time without serious emotional involvement. [see Power exchange levels]
Rimming - Common term for anilingus (anal-oral sex). Role play - 1) Elaboration of one’s sexual inclinations by creating a fantasy framework for them. 2) People with compatible sexual fantasies taking on complimentary persona to interact with each other.
Rope dress – [see Oriental bondage, rope dress] Rubber - [see Latex]
S.A.M. – [see Smart Ass Masochist]
Sadism, Sadist - Deriving sexual pleasure from the giving of pain, humiliation, and/or domination. The honorable sadist only gives pain or humiliation to those desiring it, respects limits, is caring and careful.
Sadomasochism, SM - Advanced sexual practices incorporating the consensual use of pain, humiliation, and power exchange for erotic enjoyment. SM includes dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, love bondage, and erotic spanking. The term is frequently misused to indicate heavier or more extreme practices.
Sadomasomythology - The misconceptions of society in regard to what sadomasochism actually entails. Also, an ill-informed idea about a particular practice within SM.
Safe, sane, and consensual - Characterizes the acceptable play within the SM community; players adhere to safety precautions within their activities, do not participate in practices that will injure their partners (mentally or physically), and obtain consent by negotiating scenes and scene related activities before carrying them out.
Safe sex, Safer sex - Practicing sex wherein no body fluids are exchanged; includes the use of condoms on insertion toys as well as penises, dental dams, or plastic wrap for cunnilingus, cleanliness with regard to corporal toys, abstention from penetration, etc.
Safe word, Safe signal - A word, a phrase, or an action (like dropping a bail by a gagged submissive) used by the submissive as a signal to stop the scene or reduce the intensity.
St. Andrew’s cross - An upright cross in the shape of the letter "X" to which people are bound for flogging or torture.
Scat - Feces, also, play with feces.
Scene - 1) The SM or fetish community; or things associated with it. 2) An occurrence or session of SM play.
Scene friendly - Familiarity with, and acceptance of the SM scene and SM players, usually refers to a professional’s attitude (-therapist, -lawyer, etc.)
Scene gear - The SM (and often vanilla) toys we play with. [see Gear]
Sensory deprivation - Restricting or diluting a submissive’s ability to use one or more of his/her senses of touch, hearing, sight, taste, or smell as a part of an SM scene.
Sensory relocation - Transferring the feeling of a stimuli to a different body location than it is received.
Sensual play - SM play that focuses on stimulating the senses without the use of pain.
Service - Acts, chores, or labor, sexual or otherwise, performed by a sub for the benefit of a dom.
Session - A scene. [see Scene]
Serpent’s Tongue - A type of slapper made of a thick strap of leather, two or three inches wide, with a deep "V" cut into most of the length of the piece. Commonly, the handle will have a double thickness with a ring stitched at the end. This is a very nasty toy.
Sexual imprinting, reimprinting - There is a school of thought stating that sexual responses result from imprinting based on past associations, experiences, background, and environment, often dating back to early childhood. Altering sexual behavior by changing responses and creating new associations is a technique called reimprinting.
Sexual magic, sensual magic - Positive descriptive terms for sadomasochism.
Silent alarm - A safety precaution used by players who are new to one another. For example: a submissive, playing with a dominant for the first time, might arrange for a friend to be near a telephone at a pre-arranged time. If the submissive does not call at that time, the friend will be alerted that something has gone wrong and will take steps to see that the submissive is safe.
Sissification, feminization - A practice desired by a male sub of "forced" cross-dressing and/or gender reassignment. Slapper - A flexible semi-rigid strap used like a paddle.
Slave - 1) In the scene community sometimes used loosely as another word for submissive. 2) A submissive involved in a committed relationship incorporating a shared slave/master fantasy.
Slave contract - A written agreement elaborating the terms, goals, and limits of an SM relationship.
Slave training - The processes of: instructing a submissive in a dominant’s preferences, and, conditioning the submissive’s behavior.
Sling - A cross between a swing and a hammock in which a bottom may be comfortably suspended,
SM positive - A sympathetic or accepting attitude toward sadomasochism and/or SM play and players. [see Scene friendly]
SM virgin - A person with little or no experience in SM practices.
Smart Ass Masochist, SAM - A bottom, who rather than submitting, challenges or annoys to entice a dom to punish her. [see Brat]
Spandex· - A very stretchable synthetic cloth used for fetish clothing and bondage gear.
Spanking - Striking a submissive, usually with an open hand, on her fanny. Some use this term to include paddling, as well.
Spanking bench - A piece of stationary equipment with attachment points to designed to secure a submissive in preparation for a spanking. Properly bound or positioned on a spanking bench, the submissive’s arse is in an accessible, convenient angle for a spanking or whipping.
Spanking skirt - A skirt or dress with cut-outs over each fanny cheek, designed to allow bare-skinned spanking. The spanking skirt is a classic piece of scene-wear that enhances humiliation/exhibitionism aside from its practical application.
Spreader bar - A strong bar, usually wooden, bamboo, or metal, with rings or holes on each end, used as a bondage tool to keep a submissive’s arms or legs apart. Sting - A sharp biting feel to the surface of the skin.
Stocks - A device (usually wooden) with holes designed to imprison a submissive’s wrists and head, or wrists and ankles. [see Pillory]
Stoplight safe words - A commonly used system of safe words wherein red means stop the scene immediately and release the sub, yellow warns the dominant that the current practice is pushing the submissive’s endurance, and green lets the dominant know that what is happening is awfully nice and should be continued.
Straight - 1) Code word for heterosexual. 2) Adjective for someone or something that is not SM oriented. In this sense, a synonym for vanilla.
Strap - 1) As a noun, this is either a bondage restraint (usually leather with a buckle) or an instrument of corporal punishment (also, usually leather sans the buckle). 2) As a verb, it is the act of binding or beating a submissive with a strap.
Submissive, Sub - One who surrenders control of her body and behavior (within pre-defined limitations) to another for erotic play.
Sub-space- [see: Bottom-space]
Submissive uniform - A common mode of dress worn by submissives emphasizing their sexuality, usually very short skirts, revealing tops, high heels, and stockings supported by a garter belt or bustier.
Suspension - A bondage technique wherein the submissive’s weight, totally or partially, is borne by the restraints used in the bondage. Great care must be exercised in this practice; usually, bondage harnesses and suspension cuffs are used in suspension.
Suspension cuffs - Wrist and/or ankle restraints designed specifically for safe suspension. [see Cuff, Cuffing; Suspension]
Switch - 1) A person who enjoys taking either side in SM role or physical play; i.e. top or bottom, dom or sub. 2) A slender flexible branch from a tree or bush used for corporal punishment.
Tampon training - Rectal insertion of tampons by male submissives to empathize with the female menstrual cycle.
Tantric Yoga, Vajrayana Buddhism - Indian means for achieving a transcendent spiritual state that incorporates sexual and meditative techniques. There are many paths to enlightenment and erotic exploration is one.
Tawes. taws - Thick rigid leather with a lengthwise slit (or slits) in it used in a paddle-like fashion.
Thud - A blow that is felt at a deeper level than sting, Thud is usually easier to tolerate, but may actually be more damaging as it can cause deeper bruising.
Tit torture - Erotic play involving the breasts.
Tolleyboy - A locking chastity belt made in England of rubber-lined stainless steel.
Top - One who takes the active role in physical scene, but not necessarily emotional/mental control.
Top's disease - A state of self-delusion wherein the top believes his own fantasy of dominant superiority.
Topping from the bottom - Maintaining the fiction that the top is in charge, where the real control and direction of a scene rests with the bottom. [see also, Bottoming from the top]
Top-space - A state of erotically altered consciousness (EAC) achieved during a scene by the dominant or top. It is characterized by feelings of intense focus, clarity of thought, a sense of extreme power or high energy, and/or exhilaration. Feelings of distance and objectivity, as if one where commanding from a mountaintop, may paradoxically accompany feelings of connection to the submissive, as if there were a psychic link. A dispassionate perspective may combine with erotic ardor. Top space may be followed by either a continued sense of well-being or by feelings of fatigue, depression, or lethargy. [see Post-scene plunge]
Torture - Actions that would be painful outside of their erotic context used to enhance sexual pleasure for a bottom.
Total conversion or the "ouchless ouch" - Whips strokes or corporal stimuli delivered during an erotic scene that begins light and rises gradually. The level of sexual arousal is always kept at a high enough level so that the blows are never experienced subjectively as pain.
Training - Any of many disciplines wherein the dom and sub act together to modify the sub’s behavior, condition, and/or attitude. Includes, but is not restricted to; pony training, anal training, position training, voice command response, and so on.
TS, Transsexual - A person who born in a physical gender that does not match his or her personal psychology. These people are commonly going through "gender reassignment" by means of counseling, hormone treatments, and surgery to correct their situation. A TS is called a "pre-op" before surgical modification and a "post-op" afterwards.
TV, Transvestite - A man or woman dressing in the clothing of the opposite gender.
True Master/True submissive - A term of self-description usually used by incompetent newcomers or lost-in-fantasy others to entice a people to play with them. The "True Submissive" (or more typically "Tue slave") is one who buys into the nonsense that the "Tue Master" is selling. "True sadomasochism" is also used to allude to a non-existent, "genuine" standard of SM excellence.
Vampire glove - Vampire gloves are most often thin leather driving gloves that have sharp, metal tines or tacks lining the palms. The tines are typically snap, or rhinestone settings that are poked through the leather from the inside and glued in place, though some very mean gloves utilize thumb or carpet tacks. Fur mitts can be embellished with tines in the same manner, yielding textures from very nice to yowee!
Vanilla - Describes things, activities and people who are not part of the SM scene, for example; "We had vanilla sex last night," meaning, "We had sex without including any SM scene elements."
Verbal humiliation/abuse - The use of sexual epithets and similar verbalizations to excite or humble one’s partner. Verbal humiliation is good when it is used to support the value of the submissive. It becomes abuse when it is used to tear down the self-esteem of the sub. The line between the two is not always clear and may vary within one person’s psyche depending upon mood. Use with caution and sensitivity.
Virgin rapture - Period of time (often years long) wherein newcomers are so overwhelmed by SM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality. When the infatuation ends feelings of disappointment and loss are common. It may be reassuring to know that this is a normal process as SM is integrated into a person’s sexuality.
Vinyl - A material used for fetish fashions. [see PVC]
Violet wand - A static electricity generator, frequently with multiple glass attachments including: globes, thin tubes, fork-shaped tubes, etc., used to send virtually harmless, violet-colored static "lightning" to a submissive’s skin.
Visualization - The use of story-telling and verbal fantasy sharing to achieve a mood or desired mind set prior to, or during a scene.
Water sports - Sexual play involving urine or enemas. [see Golden Showers and Enema]
Weights _ Lead fishing weights or other weights hung from clamps that are attached to the body to increase torment. [see Clamps, Clamping]
Whip - A whip is an object used to beat on a submissive. Many people in the scene use the term whip to include canes, crops, paddles, slappers, etc., as well as single- and multiple-lash whips.
Whipping - 1) The act of beating a submissive or bottom. 2) Finishing a rope-end to prevent fraying by wrapping it with thread or string.
White lightning - A common nickname for a white fiber glass or resin rod often with a leather or rubber handle that is used as a cane. Being much more dense than rattan, it can inflict deeper damage and the feel is described as "cutting." [see Cane]
Worship - 1) To lavish attentions upon a part of the body, usually feet, pussy or cock. 2) A role playing attitude toward a dominant, typically of a male sub toward his goddess/mistress.
Wrapping - Allowing the tips of a whip or cane to strike parts of the body other than the intended target. For example, aiming for the fanny and hitting it, but the tips of the whip wrap around the fanny and strike the hip. Bruising on the hips is often a sign of a careless or incompetent top who is frequently unaware of the damage that is occurring.
Wrist cuffs - Restraints designed to fit the wrists. [see Cuff, Cuffing]
X-frame - A stationary bondage frame in the shape of an "X", usually mounted in a horizontal position. [see St. Andrew's cross]
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